I’ve had Depression for a long time and I have spoke about it on many social media sites including Facebook, Instagram and my old website. This blog might be a tad long so just putting that out there.
When I think I was maybe 8/9 years old I was abused as a child by my mothers ex boyfriend Philip, he broke 10 layers of skin on my bum because some woman went up to him thinking he was my father and told him I was bullying her daughter. I can’t even remember to this day what I said to the woman’s daughter and I don’t even think it was something that meant to upset her child either but hey-ho.
I never told my mom when she got home, i was so scared that he would hit her too so I was protecting her and i thought it would all just simply go away over night. How wrong I was. I had to have photos of my bum for court so they could use it as evidence to convict him. I also had to be interviewed by a police woman and talk about my ordeal and how it affected me..It was a very difficult time considering how bad things were and how bad they were about to get.
When I went to school i couldn’t really walk because of the pain and I tried to act like it was nothing but I couldn’t even sit down at my desk. My male teacher knew something was wrong and sent me to the school nurse..I told her everything and she told me to go to the girls toilet and have a look and so I did and my bum looked like a Dalmatians spots.
Then Social services were called in and they helped me to show my mom what her sickening boyfriend and had done to me.. He tricked me with food at first before he hit me.. I was allowed anything that I asked for which was unusual for him. He used to force me to eat foods including a soup that would make me gag and even made me eat my own vomit at one point and then would pour it over my head. My mom knew about that. I think she knew anyway. I tried to run away but I failed miserably because his friend brought me back and then I knew it was too late and I was right.
I moved schools which sucked because I ended up being bullied and that made things so much worse and the bullying didn’t stop either at my secondary school I was beaten up by teens who were in a lower year than me. All they got were a few days off and a talking to and that was it, but for me I had 2 bruises on my jaw either side, a lump on my head and coughing up blood. Two mix-raced youths even recorded me getting beaten up and walked away with the video. Only 1 woman helped me to get up. Only 1 whilst everyone just carried on walking.
I have been abused so many times and so this has led me to have Depression, I get scared to get into a relationship sometimes because of what I’ve been through and I’m always scared that it could happen again. I class myself as “Bisexual” but I prefer women than I do men and I think it’s because of my past that I am this way.
When I was 17 years old my Animal Care teacher Jessica committed suicide and our other teachers sat us down the next day and told us and I knew what she did but I didn’t know how because they didn’t actually tell us that she killed herself but I knew. She was 28 years old and far too young to have been taken away from us. I was 17 when I tried to kill myself, I had struggled with my depression but didn’t realize how bad it was until I watched my teacher being out into the ground.
I had took several paracetamol and I lost the feeling to my legs and my vision was really bad, my bladder went nuts. I honestly thought I was going to die and I wanted too. I thought I’d be better off, and that I was worthless and that everyone hated me. I was in hospital for 3 days and then later sectioned to a mental hospital. I know I’ve tried to kill myself 4 times but sometimes I just feel giving up because I loose my way or think that the darkness will never go.. My friends are the ones I know I can turn to especially my friend Joseph Waters and Megan Elise.
My life right now is a little better because I’m going back to college to continue my dream of being a nurse. I want to be a nurse so I can give back to the people who saved my life including my friend Zoe and her mom because they both saved my life on the very day I wanted to die. So now I blog on Live.Me and other places including here because I want to help people. Suicide doesn’t help because life will get better and I have to remind myself that everyday and keep fighting my inner demons. I will never let depression win!
If you have read this then I hope it has helped you in someway and know that you can come and talk to me via the contact page or by commenting.
xo Cat xo