I know I’ve been speaking of how “well” I’ve been doing but I have a confession to make.
I had another relapse and I took another overdose again because I was having thoughts and seeing my self taking pills and slashing my arms so I crawled up in a ball and screamed “STOP, GO AWAY.” I was home alone and I felt like I was going insane. so I took 17 tablets of Sertraline which are 50mg and so I think the dosage I took was around 850mg I know it’s really bad and I felt so bad that I was again stupid enough to try and kill myself and yet again I wasted the paramedics time because they came to me when someone more important could of been helped. I’ve started self-harming but not cutting. Instead I’ve been bruising my arm with some metal thing that’s meant for curtains. I started with my hand and now have bruised my arm and it’s a yellow/green color. It didn’t hurt much but I’m having to hide my arm. It works for me even though I’m causing myself harm.
I’m no longer on medication whatsoever but I have been given medication to help me sleep but I haven’t taken the medication yet. I have overdosed 6 times and I can never get it into my head that taking pills and waiting to die will not work but I do it anyway. I don’t want to die I just want to know that I’m still alive. I want to be able to feel something rather than feeling numb which is how I feel all the time. So here I am again, fighting again. My anxiety has gone through the roof. My mother has already told me that one day all my organs are going to pack up and then I’ll die and get what I want. Maybe I do want to die and maybe I don’t. sometimes I just loose it and then it’s too late and I’m just back at square one in hospital with tubes in my arms. How can I help myself when I don’t know how? Depression sucks and having BPD makes my depression 10 times worse. I don’t know when or if I’ll ever be okay but medication is no longer controlling me.
Blogging my life and my depression helps me even if I’m not blogging everyday but it still helps me.
If you read this then thank you. It means a lot.
Xo Kathryn Xo