I had my BPD appointment today and I thought it was because of my suicide attempt but it wasn’t it was because I should be in therapy by November/December time. I felt like I could be myself whilst speaking to the BPD guy who I shall not name. I spoke to him about the suicide attempt that failed and how I had been self-harming but I have been bruising my arm so I haven’t cut myself..Yet. Luckily I haven’t broken anything.
I told him that I felt better in myself because of Saturday when I went to Destination Star Trek and met Garrett Wang, I also said that going by myself and meeting someone that I have looked up to since I was a child made me feel better about myself. For once in my life I have done something that I thought I’d never do. Having a photo with Garrett is now something I can look to when I do feel suicidal and low and as if I’m strapped down by chains..Though the strapped down by chains feeling actually doesn’t go away.
I have made some improvements, I haven’t bruised my arm again so I guess that’s good. The bruising is slowly going away, I did cover my arm when I went to the convention because for some stupid reason and I think it was down to me.. I thought he would of been ashamed of me.. Stupid right? The BPD guy said that it was probably my own thoughts due to me being anxious that I thought that way. I was just embarrassed and I didn’t want people to look but then I became calm and didn’t care about it anymore. I honestly wish I didn’t think like this nor get paranoid.. I’m just glad that I’m still here and that I got to meet my idol.
Some people don’t always understand depression like my mother who makes everything about herself like she has said to me a few times and to the paramedics “I have depression, I’ve had it for years but I wouldn’t dream of trying to take my own life.” It makes me angry when she does that and I know in someways and I hope when I say this that she doesn’t mean it when she says things like this. I’ve over heard her say that I was the daughter she never wanted and that her friends daughter should of been the daughter she should of always had. That hits me like a ton of bricks. She doesn’t understand nor does she want to understand and learn about BPD so I’m literally going to buy her a book about it so she can learn and learn how she can help me with it. If she doesn’t read it then so be it.
I’m going to be looking for conventional ways to deal with my Depression & BPD so I don’t just try and end things when things get bad, I read or watch Star Trek: Voyager when things get crazy. It’s the only thing that manages to change my mood and remove me from my dark place for awhile. Though recently I’m having to deal with another issue..My mother has started drinking, she buys small cans and she’s had 2 bottles of wine.
The last time I remember and the Friday night before the Star Trek convention she came home absolutely drunk. She almost fell over in the kitchen and she banged her head on the wall in the living room and almost fell up the stairs and then down them when she was coming back to the kitchen. Sometimes I really don’t know what to do. She has diabetes type 2 so she knows she has to be careful but doesn’t pay much attention to it. She’s already noticed that she’s had 2 hypos which isn’t good. How can I help her when I can’t even help myself.
The only good thing that has happened recently for me is meeting Garrett Wang and finding out that my therapy for my BPD should start around November/December time so soon I should be able to concentrate on getting better and in the mean time I may try and tidy my bedroom so then I can do Yoga or Meditate which may or may not help me.
I apologize for this being so long but I needed to get it out somewhere and I suck at writing in diaries because I forget that I have one.. I have tons laying about in my bedroom mostly on the floor. But blogging on here really does help.
xo Tris xo