A day of the blues

I wanted to be brutally honest and talk about what happened when I was 17 and woke up from my fatal overdose..I think by doing this I can let go of some things.

I had woken up with a tube in my right arm which was in the middle so I couldn’t really move it and the other tube was in the left hand close to my fingers. I couldn’t eat properly because it felt weird because all I could taste was sugar. I remember waking up and having no underwear on and I as puking up green slime and I had a doctor ask if I still wanted to die. At the time I still wanted to and I was angry with myself because I was still here in this dead end world.. I was moved to the B floor and had my drips changed and also someone died around the corner from me and I cried because that could of been me and I was that crazy and out of my mind that I told a psychologist that the person who died should of been me and that scared me a little but the worlds just rolled out.

Being sectioned made me feel like I was okay and that things were normal but I wasn’t normal because I was sectioned. If you was normal you wouldn’t be sectioned nor have a bedroom with 4 white walls which clearly makes you feel insane. I met some nice people there who were way worse than me and I couldn’t stop crying. For the first few nights I wanted my mom because I felt so alone in this place even though we don’t get on. My mom brought a teddy in for me even though it was the wrong one and it scared me so I threw it to a corner and turned it around so it couldn’t stare at me.

I remember I was on the phone to my mom one night at the Mental Hospital and I was so depressed and I kept sighing and trying not to breakdown to her. I put the phone down just as she was about to say “I love you” I went back to my bedroom with the 4 white walls which felt like a secret hell. My window was covered up and you could only see out of the window through some small holes.

I was in a routine when I got there, breakfast, snack, dinner, snack, lunch, snack, tea, snack. You get the picture.. I ended up putting weight on which was alright but I still had my weight issues so I ended up not eating on some days and I was not allowed to leave the table until I ate something. I ended up eating eventually of course otherwise I’d vomit a lot. I always had to be dressed before breakfast and I never would be dressed and I didn’t care either.

When I did go home it was awful and I hated it our neighbor asked why I did it and told me it was very silly what I did. I remember I cried so much sitting in my bedroom because all the memories of my overdose came flooding back and I couldn’t handle it. I went downstairs to my mom who didn’t know what to do so she just dismissed me as I was crying in front of her and telling her how being back at home was too hard for me.

It took me 4 years to be okay after that day and being sectioned. I had counseling but that didn’t help and I saw a lot of people who did help me but time after time I have relapsed and I have realized that the older you get nobody actually cares. We live in a society where Mental Health is pushed to a side until it’s too late and there needs to be something done about it. I’d rather help someone like me and know that I have done something for them.. So I think I’m going to set up another website to help those and offer advise and ways that they can help themselves.

I want to help others because for me I want to be a part of this world even if I’m mentally unstable. I want to be able to see the world and meet people I have never seen before, I want to find happiness and as I said to myself last night I want to find a job and get my own place and move away and cut ties with my mother and then travel the world with what money I have. That would be my happiness. I just want to help others like those who have helped me.

xo Tris xo

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