I’ve been really debating whether to write this for so long, and I decided to just do it. Me and my mom don’t always get on and we argue quite a lot sometimes but we have reasons as to why we are like this and I thought it would be great to talk about it so my readers really get an understanding of the way me and my mom are with each other.
As you know it all started the day my moms boyfriend has started mentally abusing me, making me eat soup that would make me gag and I had to have my back to him and his children and my mom whilst they watched tv and me gagging with my back to them trying to eat some really vile soup.
It would be the little things to start off with, he’d buy his kids chocolate and be all sarcastic to me and say “Sorry, it looks like I forgot yours..Oh well” I remember one day when he used to watch me in the bath but I didn’t think anything of it really. He used to pour bake beans over my head if I refused to eat them, he made me eat bake beans after I had vomited them up and if I didn’t do as I was told they were poured over my head.
My mom knew that he did this, she knew he’d torment me over how bad my maths were and force me to write out the times tables from memory and I found this to be very difficult but nonetheless I tried and did as I was told. I felt so weak when it came to him, I felt trapped and I knew something bad was going to happen I just didn’t know when.
My mom knew that he’d pour bake beans over my head, or when he forced me to eat the soup that would make me gag and she knew that my back was facing towards her whilst she and his other kids and him would watch tv. Sometimes I felt like Cinderella, always doing things so he’d maybe get some sick happiness over it.
It never occurred if he was doing things to my mom, I never thought to ask if he did anything to her or poured bake beans over her head but then again I was too angry because I thought moms are supposed to protect you and take you out of danger. Mine didn’t.
He took me to school one day, then I had ran off to join my friends and I can’t even remember them to this day but I saw him talking to a woman and I didn’t know why but I soon found out who she was. She was a mother to a girl who went to my school, she thought the man was my dad and she told him I was bullying her daughter and this is where my life turned upside down.
He let me eat anything I asked which was something he’d never do, he didn’t allow me to eat many things that were his but he’d allow his other children and my mom to eat his things so on this night it was very odd. In the end he started asking me about this girl and what did I say to her and I couldn’t remember and because I couldn’t remember what I said he hit me on my bum over and over and over. I was in pain and he told me to go to my room and not to tell anyone, it was something that had to stay between us.
My mom had come home later that evening after taking his children back to their mothers as he didn’t want to do that himself and he normally does that so that was something else that was odd. My mom had come up stairs to come and check on me because normally we’d see each other before I’d go to bed and my moms boyfriend didn’t want her to come and see me in case she woke me up. I think he was worried I’d tell my mom but I didn’t.
So the next day I went to school, I was limping through the gate and I was in pain but I thought oh it’s nothing I’ll be fine.. I walked into my class like any other day and my male teacher who was so lovely and nice he patted me on the back like he always did and I turned around and snapped at him saying “Don’t touch me.” And before I had realised what I had said I immediately apologised and when I had gone to sit down at my desk, I held onto the chair and lowered myself down but as soon as I sat down I was in pain all over and I couldn’t think I just screamed and yelped.. He asked me if I was okay and I couldn’t even look at him and he asked me if I wanted to talk about it and I said I can’t..I’m not allowed to so he sent me to the school nurse.
I told her everything that had happened and I felt so bad for telling her because it was supposed to be a secret, and she told me to go to the first aid room and have a look for bruises and I did and my bum was covered in bruises and I cried for that little second, I thought it was nothing and then it was everything all at once.. The mental abuse he put me through and I had let him do this to me even though I had ran off one night and I stopped running because I saw someone coming towards me..It was his friend and my shoe lace was undone and I couldn’t run and I didn’t have time to it and so his friend picked me up and put me over his shoulder and carried me home.. I even rang my nanna that night I ran off and told her that I felt unsafe around him but she didn’t believe me and hung up.
So here I was staring at the nurse and all I could do was nod, I couldn’t speak and then it happened all too quickly. Social services came in and then I had to show them the bruises too and then they called my mom and the police and then it was just me, the nurse, my mom and the social services.. I showed my mom and at first she was shocked and I just wanted to die right there, I wanted my world to stop.
Me and my mom have never been able to have a stable relationship because I feel so much hate towards her and I don’t know how to stop hating her, we have tried talking but it always seems it has to be her way or no way. She doesn’t come and check on me, she didn’t tell me everything was going to be okay when I was very close to being raped.. Her friend had to hold me and tell me everything would be okay..
For me all my mom cares about is money, she never asks how I am, she never hugs me or tells me she loves she can’t support me when I had a man grab my breast and tell me he wanted to put his genitals on my breast.. She doesn’t knock on my bedroom door and see if I want to go with her and go shopping.. I have tried with her and I don’t know how long I can keep trying. I disowned her once and she only rang me for money but said she thought I had blocked her from calling or texting me but she could call me for money.
So what am I supposed to do? What do I do to make her love me? Am I not perfect enough? She thought I was attention seeking when I tried to kill myself when I was 17, she thinks I’m stupid for doing 6 overdoses but doesn’t understand my Depression or my possible BPD and doesn’t want to understand.. She’s called me a lunatic but not a crazy person..Correct me if I’m wrong but doesn’t lunatic mean crazy?
In the end we ended up being put in a homeless center and I had to have photos take for evidence and talked to a police officer about it and I don’t remember getting counselling for it..I never got to see my friends ever again and I hate that because they were the only friends that I had.. When I moved schools I got bullied and my so called friend turned against me.. I had no one.
So there’s my blog about my mom and me…The past has destroyed any hopes for a mother and daughter relationship.. I’m scared of having my own children because of the past of my grandparents.. My grandad who I found out at the age of 17 was a pedofile and got intimate with one of my aunts.. Who also did things with other family members and because my mom stopped talking to my aunts, my nan and grandad they stopped talking to me and I’ve found that everything is always one sided with them, if you talk to them they’ll talk to you and if you don’t talk to them they don’t bother with you at all.
I used to be so close to my nana because she told me she loved me and hugged me all the time and everytime I’d go home with my mom I’d cry because I wanted to stay with her and now that I know the truth about them.. It’s been so difficult having someone who told me they loved me and hugged me and me feel wanted to going to absolutely nothing at all.. I’m crying whilst I write this.. My family is so messed up that they don’t realise how much they’ve all hurt me..But it always ends up being my fault.. It’s why I got my whole name changed.. I hate my family and for who they are.. It’s true what they say “You can choose your friends, but you can’t choose you family”
The Girl In The Shadows