I don’t like taking about my Mental Health anymore because people are can be so judgmental.. but I deal with my MH everyday, I get paranoid because I think people are laughing at me or talking about me, I always walk around my store at work talking to myself or saying “I don’t care if they hate me.”
My manager has to say that they don’t hate me so then I don’t over think. My medication works but I’m getting to the point where I’m fed up of taking medication..I’ve had one low day and I couldn’t even cry let alone scream… it just feels like you’re screaming on the inside and no one can hear you.
I don’t message people first because I think I’m annoying and then I get upset when I think I have no one to talk to but most of my friends live in different countries or we just stop talking. I have 1 friend that I see every so often, out of 123 friends I see 1, the rest of the time I hide out in my bedroom or go to BPD therapy and that’s it. That’s my life.
I’ve gotten myself back into drawing because it helps me to de-stress and relax and it makes me happy. I buy things to make me happy but in reality it doesn’t make me happy..I don’t even know what it is to be happy. I get in relationships because I hate being alone and yet I want to be alone, I hate it and some people will never understand what it’s like.
To feel like the whole world is against you, to feel like you’re worthless and don’t matter or to feel suicidal and be alone with your own thoughts that are like two people having a screaming competition in your head. It’s enough to drive one person crazy.
It’s what I live with everyday, I hate the way I am. But it’s who I am. So don’t judge me because I’m quiet or because I’m putting on a front and pretending everything is okay when it’s not. I’m not perfect and I don’t want to pretend I am either. But in our society you get shamed for having mental health problems or the way you look or how much you weigh.
I’ll admit one thing..When I started working out and toning up I did it because in my head I was fat..
I just want my doctors to hurry up and get a referral for the possibility of me having BPD.. even though I have a gut feeling it’s already there in front of me.
The Girl In The Shadows