Everyday is the same, you put on a mask and take your medication like the good girl/boy that you are.
I hate it, I absolutely hate it. Why should I pretend that I’m okay? Honestly, I feel like I’m dying on the inside. When I see people laughing or smiling I sit and ask myself.. Why can’t I be that happy?.. I don’t even know what it is to be happy.
I just take my medication which does help but I don’t want to be on medication for the rest of my life. I hate taking pills to “Make me feel better” no medication will ever get rid of my depression it just hides it and the possibility of me having BPD is frustrating.. It’s like I know I have it, and the people at the therapy only told me on my last session of therapy that I have to go through my doctor for the actual diagnosis.. But getting a doctor’s appointment takes the absolute piss.
The only good thing I have in my life right now is my rabbit, I don’t even care if he scratches me when I hug him because he tries to escape.
I’m not even sure if I’m even ready for a relationship anymore, I want to be with someone and then I don’t. The guy I’ve been on a date with twice is really nice but he doesn’t talk about himself much and I hate talking about myself and I think he’s hiding something from me but I don’t know what.
I’m kinda fed up with feeling low and getting paranoid but I’m not at the point where I want to cause harm to myself but I have imagined myself doing some pretty awful things and if I was to ring crisis or something I’d get told to “Run yourself a bath” they’re so useless, when I was hallucinating they told me not to stare at walls. What kind of help is that? This was when I knew I needed sectioning but the doctors were having non of it because I wasn’t close to death to be treated as a high cause for concern.
I hate the Mental Health system and I’m fed up of it letting me and others down, I don’t talk to my friends about my Depression anymore because they’re always busy or they live too far away to talk face to face. I have never wanted to break down and cry so much in my life but I can’t. For some damn reason I can’t cry, I don’t know why but I wish I could but instead I’m left screaming on the inside and I feel so alone.
But hey maybe tomorrow will be a better day for me, I just wish I had someone to pick me up when I’m down on my knees.
The Girl In The Shadows