I’ve been watching 13 Reasons Why and it’s triggered me so bad but I was too addicted to stop watching. It brought back so many bad memories and some things that I have never fully talked about on here incase the person who hurt me finds my blog and makes things worse for me but I thought fuck it.
At school I got bullied the hell out of for having headlice which I couldn’t help, I got called Nit head, fat, ugly. I pretended that this was okay, that it’ll all blow over but I was wrong. I had to go to the head master’s office once, apparently there was a picture going around of me and a boy whom I went to school with..Now I never saw this picture but I was told that it had me and the boy half naked and it was plastered all over the internet and some teachers had seen it. I was absolutely fuming, and then get the SLUT name calling. I tried to deny that the picture was fake because it was fake.
At 15 my mom’s friends husband came into my bedroom and passed me his phone to which on his notes on his phone said these words: “Can I see you naked?” I was gob smacked and I didn’t know what to do and I refused and he kept asking why but I refused but I didn’t have a voice to scream or anything and in the end I was pressured into getting my breasts out. His wife and my mom were in the kitchen below us. I cried all night and hid under my covers and he then came back up and hour later to offer me chocolate cake and to say he was sorry.
I went into school the next day and I told someone but my school didn’t believe me, my mom didn’t believe me and neither did his wife. So after people who didn’t believe me I ended up trying to choke myself to death with my own tie because the flashbacks from what had happened was tormenting me. We even had the police round to talk to me but my mom refused to leave the room so I told the police that I lied and I was waiting to catch this man in the act and put myself in a very dangerous place when I was 19 and the situation was far worse from when I was 15.. He tried to have sex with me and I had recorded the whole thing on tape but the bad part was you could only hear me talking but I had texts of him asking if we could do it again and I told his wife and you know what she said. We are bad as each other and that I wanted it. And I have to now live with that for the rest of my life, the words “You asked for it” stuck in my head. My mom is still friends with this guy and to be honest I have had to move on and live my life knowing that this man is friend with my mom. I gave them the truth and they didn’t do anything but continue on with their lives like nothing happened.
I can relate to Hannah in 13 Reason’s Why, I had friends who were like dirt to me, they didn’t care and they didn’t care how they spoke to me. My own friends turned against me and bullied me until we finished school, they used to laugh at me and make fun of me even laughed at me because of the way I spoke. I was even accused of stealing £100 from my friend’s mother and it was her sister, I know this because we were all in the same room when my friends mother told us that some money had gone missing and she thought it was my friend’s sister who had took the money and if we saw her with anything new to tell her mother. But it was me who got accused at school, it was me who got called a slut and a frigget which means you are nervous when you try kissing or sex.
I had no one to go to at school, the teachers were worse, laughing at me because I couldn’t do maths or always saying how I got everything wrong and they always made me feel stupid. They allowed a girl to hit me even though it was my own fault because I stuck up to fingers at the girl but I was joking, my science teacher took me for a walk around school and said that I should be more careful. That was it. My school Henry Mellish but now called Bulwell Academy had let me down miserably and they couldn’t do fuck all to correct what effects they had done to me.
So watching 13 Reasons Why made me suicidal but I didn’t harm myself even though I was having flashback after flashback and remembering all the ways I tried to kill myself or thinking how I could do it and then question myself would it work? All the times that I was bullied or assaulted I pushed to the side because I knew how much they were killing me inside there was no one in the world who could help me or save me because I knew I was already dead on the inside.
Now to a new assault that happened last year, I met these two people who went dog walking everyday and I only went because of all the dog that you’d see and it was great and it was what I needed. I didn’t even know the guy well enough but I went to his house the first day I met him and I was an idiot. He made me laugh and I thought he was cool because he had a lot of army stuff and used to be in the army years and years ago.
He was going to take a nap with his dog and asked me if I wanted to join him, he’s an old guy and his quiet big like pregnant mom for years like his stomach was huge. I said no and he didn’t have a top on so I knew I’d messed up and I made a fake phone call and said it was my mom and that I really had to go.
The next day he apologised but I never went to his house ever again, so I thought I was safe because his friend was really nice and I stayed by her side if we went for a walk. One on particular day he grabbed me and pinned me up against a green gate and put his hand up my top and into my bra and cupped my nipple whilst his other hand was firmly on my other breast and he told me how he wanted to put his penis on it. This man must be about 60+ I rang my mom first and told her and then I rang the police after some influence because I wasn’t even sure to ring them.
I had DNA swabs done on my breast and DNA taken from my mouth and they also took my clothes, the guy said he did somethings but not of a sexual nature. It’s been a year since I’ve heard anything and I feel so let down by the police.
So 13 Reasons Why brought things back that I never ever wanted to talk about and I thank that show so much because I would’ve just left it all in the back of my head until things got bad.
Thank you 13 Reasons Why, you’ve helped me let go of all the bad things that I’ve kept hidden. ❤
I’m still suicidal but I’m okay and this feeling will pass.
The Girl In The Shadows