So I’ve seen my doctor about getting the official assessment for BPD but I haven’t heard anything yet and I haven’t heard from the BPD therapy people either.. But I’ve heard from some people in a BPD group that I’m in that I could be waiting a few months or even a year before I hear anything.
My Depression is okay for now, I haven’t felt depressed as such but I’ve had a few low days but nothing serious.. I haven’t taken my medication in awhile because I think that’s what caused me to be constipated so I stopped taking the medication and I haven’t had any side effects apart from the one headache but other than that I’ve been okay.. I’ve only bruised my arm the once and it’s kinda healed up now and I haven’t done that since..
The thing with the BPD, I get paranoid and think people are laughing at me, talking about me or the fact that I just annoy everyone.. I also push people away and create arguments so people don’t get too close to me because people always leave and sometimes they don’t even give me a reason. I can even come across as really rude because sometimes I don’t think before I speak and sometimes I say things that could be offensive and not realize that they could upset someone.. I’m always hyper and very emotional and I’m sensitive to everything.. I hate criticism and I can never take a compliment because I hate it, I can never leave the house without my headphones and if I don’t take my headphones I’ll end up panicking or walking with my head down. I keep my head down so I don’t look at people because even though I can talk to random people it always has to be on my terms If I want to talk to a random stranger and it’s way more easier doing that online.
If you have BPD, please get in touch because I’d love to know how you deal with stuff like this.. Like do you leave the house without headphones or do you really need to take them with you and if you don’t take the headphones how do you compromise by not taking them..Because I’d love to know.
I kinda realized that my assessor who said I may have social anxiety was right, because I get scared when my friends or someone I’ve just met asks me to hang out with them or eat out.. I normally just make out that I’m ill or that I’ve got work and so I just make up excuses to not go out or skype or make a conversation and even speak on the phone but there may be more to me than I know.
Creating this blog has helped me so much with my problems and difficulties and I’ve always wanted to help other people because I want others to know that they’re never alone with their Depression or anything they’re going through and It makes me feel better knowing that I’ve helped someone.. I know this blog isn’t majorly popular yet and I get the odd email now and again but it cheers me up knowing that someone sees my blogs and takes the time to email me.
if you want someone to talk to I’m always here.
The Girl In The Shadows