I’m only putting this incase what I’m about to say triggers people. ^^^
I get down so quickly and sometimes I’ll actually sit and talk out loud to myself and answer myself back and I’m a Trekkie.. this is going to sound so crazy. Basically because I have felt alone for such a long time in my head I imagine that I am among the crew of Voyager and that all the characters are trying to support me through my difficult times like if I’m talking out loud about my abusive past I’ll sit there and ask myself.. Why do you blame yourself? And I’ll genially think it’s one of the crew asking me and sometimes I’ll sit and cry, scream or even shout and then I’ll answer the question and I’ll calm down and talk about something else like my 6 suicide attempts and then the questions go crazy like.. Why did you do it? What did it feel like? Why are you like this? And I’ll sit and talk about how my moms ex broke 10 layers of skin on my butt because a woman thought he was my dad and told him I was bullying her daughter.. this has traumatized me for life and yet I get told to move on because it doesn’t matter anymore.. this is also a reason why I feel safer around women even though one of my ex girlfriends threatened to kill me and punched me because of a train ticket and she has BPD and a lot of MH issues and I was the target all the time.
Me and my mother had an argument once so I went for a walk and sat in a tree and totally forgot how dark it was and I was almost raped. My mother even said that I was never the daughter she hoped for.
I don’t normally do this either because I get paranoid opening up to people after a so called best friend of mine said “I don’t fucking care if you kill yourself.”
I almost died at 17.. I got sectioned for 3 weeks.. I lost control and had a mental breakdown and my mother thought I was just attention seeking. She used to hit me after her friend said to hit me if I was ever bad.. she used to chase me up the stairs and paste me black and blue.. I’d hide under the covers but it was never enough.. I still live with her because I have no other family and I can’t move in with anyone and I’m terrible at saving money to be able to move out by myself.
Even though I have been through all of this and more I have been one year free from overdosing and believe me it’s really hard to not want to do that even now when I feel so depressed and emotional..
If this is too much for you then I will take it down.. I just needed to vent and I needed a safe place to do it as the other groups I’m in I have a friend in there who will talk behind my back and probably take the piss with my other friend and then message me saying “oh yeah I feel like that sometimes.” I hate it when I feel like this because I’d rather have someone trying to cheer me up or change the subject rather than making me feel worse by them comparing themselves to my problems.
So if this affects you then I’m sorry.
The Girl In The Shadows