My Depression has got so bad. In the space of a few days I wanted to rip my hair out, instead I tried to starve myself but I failed. In my head I had come up with 2 solutions to end my life.. 1.) Starve myself & 2.) Slash my wrists.
That’s how bad I got, I went to see my doctor yesterday and explained that I was at breaking point and that I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. I mentioned to her that the medication I was on wasn’t working and I explained about having vivid thoughts about hurting myself and people I care about. I could literally zone out and see myself hurting someone.. One of the worst vivid thoughts was throwing a friend’s baby out of the window which is something I’d never do.. And I can’t tell my friend about it because she’ll think I’m a lunatic… I honestly feel like one sometimes too.
I’ve also remembered something’s that I did as a kid but I won’t mention them because I now for a fact I’d be judged the minute I talk about it and I can’t handle that. Sometimes I can’t remember certain memories and other times they’re right there waiting for me. My past is one of the things that can smack me down so badly because I have never been able to move on from things that has happened to me.
My new medication is an antidepressant mixed with an antipsychotic and it’s god damn strong. Last night I went from laughing to feeling like I could puke at any moment and I had to lay in one position to not be sick.. It’s such a god damn awful feeling but I’m hoping these medication will help even though I hate taking medication because for me it just hides the problem.
I’ve even had to take some time off work because I don’t think I could mentally continued to do my job when I felt so suicidal.. And I’m trying my best to not overdose because I don’t want to do that.. I just want to stop my pain.. Sometimes I don’t know how to ask for help or try and talk to a friend about it because stuff like this could be too much for someone..
I hate that I’m like this, I really do.
I hope my followers are well ❤
The Girl In The Shadows