I’ve not wrote for sometime again as I took 4 weeks off work but totally forgot that I could have spoken about how I felt or how I was coping with things and honestly I feel like a robot at times. I don’t know if I’m Depressed because I don’t know myself at the moment.
I’ve been horse riding again, riding on my friends horse Ivy and I’ve been laying in the fields with the Shetlands and had my first sleep over with my friend Keri.. I’ve been way more happy in the countryside than anywhere else.. But now things have changed.. I’ve returned to work, made new friends and even been speaking to a girl called Nicola and she’s really lovely and I hope to meet her one day.
So 4 weeks ago I wanted to slit my wrists and die.. Now I just feel numb and I’m losing weight because of my medication and I’m slightly worried because my size 8 jeans are loose on me but I complain when I think I’m too fat and now I feel too skinny so I can’t win.
Tonight I’m feeling down, I’m so tired after my first shift back at work and I showered and got into my pjs and ate some chicken soup and watched some The L Word and I feel sorry for Bette and now Tina is sleeping with someone else and it’s sad.. My head hurts and I think I have an infection in my face because of my chipped tooth so I’m getting pain in my jaw line and I’ve been told to take some ibuprofen.. The 4 weeks off were the best I’ve had in my life and now I need to be careful so I don’t end up where I was before.
There’s also a new dilemma in my life, I’m starting to question my gender, I know I’ve never felt feminine and I became someone what my mom wanted because she wanted a daughter so that’s what I was.. I tried talking to someone about it and they made it into a joke and told me to get a face transplant if I wanted to be a man.. I don’t even know what I am let alone what I want.. I used to always wear men’s clothing until my mom told me to dress more girly so I did.. So I guess you can say I became someone I wasn’t for her and now I don’t know who I am anymore.. I feel lost in myself somehow.. I wish I could just cut off all my emotions and everything I feel I just don’t know how.
I don’t have people I can talk to because I get paranoid and think that I’m annoying them so I don’t talk to anyone, I always think I’m crazy because I talk to myself a lot and then there are relationships, like who’s going to want me? I’m crazy.. I just wish I could sleep..But my meds cause insomnia at night so I have to take sleeping pills and I’ll run out of them soon and also they’re not antipsychotic medication they’re just really strong antidepressants.. I’m sorry I haven’t written in a while, I’m so out of sync with myself that I don’t know what to do other than be fake happy.
Night all. ❤
The Girl In The Shadows