The Little Weight Game

The Little Weight Game is about my weight.. Why? Well I had a moment of weakness a few days ago because I was curious to see if I could fit into size 4 clothing in Primark. Well I tried a pair of size 4 black jeans on and they fit me even though they were only slightly tight which I like but I was gobsmacked that I fit into them. I then tried on a size 4 top because I thought It was just a coincidence that the jeans fit me and yet again the size 4 top fitted me..

This was when I was also shopping for tights for pride because I had bought pink tights and they looked awful with my dress. Anyway I bought 2 size 4 tops and the black jeans, I went to a public bathroom and put the jeans and a blue size 4 strap top on and well.. I sat on the toilet and cried. In all my life I never expected to fit into size 4.. At the time I needed so talk to someone and I posted in a BPD group how I had broken down in a toilet and cried because being a size 4 was a massive shock to me and some of the comments were really helpful and then there was body shaming ones.. like these below.

“Size 4, seriously? wow. You’re devastated about being smaller than average woman? Am I missing a part to this story? I’m over here trying to link my lifelong battles with obesity to a birth defect I had while awaiting surgery date for gastric bypass. Size 4? Please tell me I’m missing something.”

Then there was these..

“I wish I was a size 4 try being a size 20.. Then by all means cry away.”

” Wow really try being a size 20 then you can cry when it’s hard to find clothes.” 

I have never been body shamed like this before especially in a BPD support group, I’ve had people tell me they’d love to be a size 4 but I’m like what? Are you kidding me? I have to sit on a pillow sometimes because my bum becomes very painful and this is when I’m sitting on a chair, my bed or even the floor and I blame my moms ex boyfriend for abusing me as a child and it was his fault that my bum gets sore because he beat the crap out of me… I get muscle ache in my legs and I have bad leg circulation but honestly I’d be more than happy to be a size 20 or size 9. I have tried to gain weight since I was a size 6 at school and it seem so impossible.. 😦

Throw it at me, let’s swap bodies! I hate being skinny, I hated thinking I was fat at size 6 and starving myself and then If I thought I was too thin I’d eat like crazy and it never helped that my mom would lock the kitchen up so I couldn’t eat and that lasted years and I never knew when my next meal was so now I constantly binge eat.. I eat everything in sight and at one point I even used to eat frozen food because my mom wouldn’t cook and eating frozen food actually made me really ill.

So before you fucking body shame me because I cried because I started fitting into size 4 clothing maybe you should think before you speak!! I hate being skinny because It’s dreadful and yeah I fit into any clothes I want but I’d rather be bigger, I’d rather be curvy rather than skinny or as some people like to say men don’t like bones they like women with curves.. And that crap pisses me off more than anything.

So think before you judge people for their weight.. Just because I’m skinny doesn’t mean I’m happy about it. >.<

Also fuck the body shamers, you are what make the world a horrible place.


The Girl In The Shadows

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