My Breakdown

Last night was the first night that I had broken down since coming off my medication, and I’ve been telling myself that I’m okay and I do feel okay except for feeling numb and not being able to feel anything such as happiness etc. I want to be happy and feel it but I can’t and I don’t know why.

So, I was in the middle of making a crisp sandwich and my mom was comparing herself to me when I was talking about my memory loss and she said she had that too and I got angry and then I kind of lost it whilst holding a knife and I remember shouting and the knife was just swinging in my hand and then I realized I needed to put it down..

I asked her how could she live with herself knowing that her ex boyfriend poured bake beans over my head or the time that he made me eat a soup that would make me gag and I’d have my back to them whilst they’d watch tv, and you know what? She lied to me, she said she protected me but then I said to her no you didn’t, it took you for him to beat me before it registered in your head that it was time to leave.. Or the time she didn’t believe me when I got assaulted at 15, I told her what made me snap the first time which was the death of my teacher and how my best friend at the time told me she wouldn’t care if I died and so I was dealing with all that when I overdosed and the fact that my mom thought I was attention seeking when I first attempted suicide.

I tried to talk to her about my BPD, about how I feel like I sometimes have multiple personalities but she didn’t really listen because she doesn’t want to listen let alone understand. My BPD is getting worse and I can’t do anything about it, I get too emotional over the littlest things, I sit and talk to myself and have full blown conversations with myself even though I know it’s not normal but I can’t stop doing it. I hate when people leave and I always push everyone away because I don’t want to hurt anyone so I think it’s better to push people away so I can’t hurt them.

I even asked my mom if she felt like she could never bond with me why didn’t she give me up? She’s never tried to hangout with me or ask how I am and when we didn’t speak for almost a month she only rang me for money because that’s all she wants from me but when she met my brothers who were adopted she pretty much ran to them and hugged them and told them that she loved them but she couldn’t do that for me.

I’ve been off my medication for 4 months and I’ve been okay, I’ve not once felt like wanting to harm myself or overdose I just get low days and some days I cry and some days I don’t. I wish I wasn’t like this but I don’t get a choice.

This shall pass, I hope. Just wish I had a better and more supporting and understanding mother. We don’t always get what we wish for.

Nobody ever tells you how hard having Depression or BPD can be and some people don’t understand so they just judge. Tomorrow is another day for me and maybe it’ll be better than today.

Love From

The Girl In The Shadows

12 thoughts on “My Breakdown

  1. Hoping your tomorrow is a better day than today.
    I am feeling a bit shit myself tonight and I am wondering how I can get through the next two days at work. It was work that triggered. I am trying to calm my anxiety down and I hope i can keep up that i am ok for Friday, as I have an interview. I am really hoping I will get this job. I am desperate. Mum says not to get my hopes up, but I can’t help it. I want out of my current work situation.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. If you ever need someone to talk to I’m here, try not to over think because you can do this, I’m sure you’ll get the job just remain positive. I hate job interviews they’re always too intense but I’m sure you’ll do fine. Try and not listen to your mom, I’m sure she means well but you do you x

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you. I’m not upset by mum’s response, because I know she means well, as she has seen the disappointment side before when I got my hopes up, but did not get the job.
        I am looking forward to the interview and I hope my personality comes across well with anything else on that day. I am hoping my anxiety is in check on the day too.

        The over thinking is certainly something I need to keep in check. It makes me question myself, even though I know my abilities.

        I have just aired a post in how I am feeling, if you like to read there. It’s called ‘hoping 2,’ but I am trying to calm my anxiety down at the moment, I’m feeling nausea and I shall go to bed soon, as I am feeling as though a migraine will come on at the moment. It’s been a long day today. x

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Why not get a glass of water and put a film on and relax in bed. I over think a lot too and then I get paranoid, but you sound like you can do anything and I really do hope the interview goes well and that you get the job. You can do anything if you believe in yourself.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I went to bed as it had been a very long day due to being up early. I was tired. But I plan to do a D.I.Y. retreat this weekend again and there will be a couple of DVD’s I plan to watch. Many thanks for listening and I hope your day is better. Thank you for the best wishes regarding my job interview too. I am putting my energy into that. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I don’t have a relationship with my own mother because she was so completely toxic, so I can somewhat relate. I’m so sorry that you had to go through all of this. Do you have anyone else in your life you can turn to? I think the only way to deal with a parent like this is to accept them for how they are, realise that you can’t change them if they don’t want to change, and then decide whether you still want them in your life.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I do not want to sound like i know what you are going through (because i don’t) but as someone who also experienced a breakdown i just want to reassure you that, yes, it shall pass…and you will eventually feel better if you allow yourself to see the beautiful things (focus on the beautiful things) around you, and also important to be surrounded by people who support you.
    I was a mess and my breakdown was a bit schizophrenic but life goes on, girl. Lots of love! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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