Last night was the first night that I had broken down since coming off my medication, and I’ve been telling myself that I’m okay and I do feel okay except for feeling numb and not being able to feel anything such as happiness etc. I want to be happy and feel it but I can’t and I don’t know why.
So, I was in the middle of making a crisp sandwich and my mom was comparing herself to me when I was talking about my memory loss and she said she had that too and I got angry and then I kind of lost it whilst holding a knife and I remember shouting and the knife was just swinging in my hand and then I realized I needed to put it down..
I asked her how could she live with herself knowing that her ex boyfriend poured bake beans over my head or the time that he made me eat a soup that would make me gag and I’d have my back to them whilst they’d watch tv, and you know what? She lied to me, she said she protected me but then I said to her no you didn’t, it took you for him to beat me before it registered in your head that it was time to leave.. Or the time she didn’t believe me when I got assaulted at 15, I told her what made me snap the first time which was the death of my teacher and how my best friend at the time told me she wouldn’t care if I died and so I was dealing with all that when I overdosed and the fact that my mom thought I was attention seeking when I first attempted suicide.
I tried to talk to her about my BPD, about how I feel like I sometimes have multiple personalities but she didn’t really listen because she doesn’t want to listen let alone understand. My BPD is getting worse and I can’t do anything about it, I get too emotional over the littlest things, I sit and talk to myself and have full blown conversations with myself even though I know it’s not normal but I can’t stop doing it. I hate when people leave and I always push everyone away because I don’t want to hurt anyone so I think it’s better to push people away so I can’t hurt them.
I even asked my mom if she felt like she could never bond with me why didn’t she give me up? She’s never tried to hangout with me or ask how I am and when we didn’t speak for almost a month she only rang me for money because that’s all she wants from me but when she met my brothers who were adopted she pretty much ran to them and hugged them and told them that she loved them but she couldn’t do that for me.
I’ve been off my medication for 4 months and I’ve been okay, I’ve not once felt like wanting to harm myself or overdose I just get low days and some days I cry and some days I don’t. I wish I wasn’t like this but I don’t get a choice.
This shall pass, I hope. Just wish I had a better and more supporting and understanding mother. We don’t always get what we wish for.
Nobody ever tells you how hard having Depression or BPD can be and some people don’t understand so they just judge. Tomorrow is another day for me and maybe it’ll be better than today.
The Girl In The Shadows