“I hate how one moment I’m okay and the next I’m fighting not to cry. I hate not feeling anything and then feeling everything all at once. It’s so overwhelming, sometimes I don’t know what to feel. I hate how insecure I can be, always over thinking the small things. I wish I never did this to myself. It’s my own fault that I’m this way. Just for a second I wish I could just be peaceful within myself, why does it have to be so noisy? Why can’t my head just be quiet for once?..”
That is what I wrote in my diary, I guess I should be honest and say for the first time in weeks maybe months I broke down and cried a little and I don’t know why? I sat on the stairs with Harry (my rabbit) and for those few seconds I cried and sat there in silence whilst in my head.. All I could see was myself smashing my bedroom into oblivion and the feelings from that were so intense even though I was just sitting on the stairs hugging my rabbit and hoping he’d help me calm down.
It’s okay to pretend that you’re not okay, it’s easy to tell the world that you’re fine because it’s what everyone does nowadays. Some days I feel like a mad woman, other days I feel good and I laugh a lot but not once have I felt depressed but I’m still over emotional over stupid things. I know I can’t get over my past and I don’t know how and because of that I feel trapped, my past is always with me no matter if I’m not thinking about it but once I feel low it’s right there laughing at me. That’s how it feels to me. So no I’m not okay but tomorrow is a new day and I will face it head on no matter how good or bad that day may be. You can only pretend to be “fine” until you breakdown and lose control.
I feel the way I am right now because of a song which is called “I hate you, don’t leave me.” For me it’s very BPD.. I want to be close to people but I push everyone away because I don’t want to hurt anyone. In my head it’s better for people to hate me so then they don’t see the person that I am. That person is someone who can be clingy and unstable and have outburst over something so stupid but to me it’s a big deal. So for me it’s easier to be alone but I don’t want to be lonely. But also why would anyone want me as their friend, partner? In my head I’m an awful person because of the way I am and the thing is overdosing on 550mg of Paracetamol at 17 got me to this place and it’s my own fault, I did that to myself. The BPD flared up when I was a kid but no one ever noticed until now.
I used to make myself fall over at school, I used to pull my hair out and scratch my skin when I was frustrated and teachers used to just shove me in a room and tell me to behave. Teachers failed me, bullied me and laughed at me. I used to be such an awful person, used to bully kids for no reason and then when I overdosed I became a different person and I apologized to everyone that I had hurt or said horrible things to. I became someone who I wasn’t proud of. But I also remember sticking up for kids who didn’t have a voice and then I found out that a girl who I stuck up for has become a bully and that makes me so angry.
I want to become someone better than I used to be but right now I don’t know who or what I should be. All I know is I hate the person who I used to be. That girl is dead but the things I did and let happen to me still haunt me so now I ask.. When does the noise stop?
The Girl In The Shadows