As promised I said I’d put myself out of my comfort zone and get coffee and read a few books and write this blog. So here I am drinking hot chocolate and writing this blog full of anxiety and wishing I could just run away from all the people talking and all the noise but I’m not going anywhere because I have to do this.
So I stayed in bed past 8am, I was fighting with myself to get up because I knew I had planned this and I was going to stick to it. I went in the shower around 9am and I stayed in the shower longer than I should have because it felt nice having the hot water rush over me like a blanket. I knew I was safe in there, at home but I had made plans so I got out and got dressed then did my hair and brushed my teeth and then I fed Harry and gave him fresh water and a quick cuddle.
I wanted to make sure that I had everything I need, rucksack, books, kindle and my laptop with its charger and phone charger. No headphones in sight although I used them this morning whilst brushing my teeth. I had millions of thoughts all at once trying to get me to stay home because it was warmer and I could play Xbox with my friends or I could play games on my laptop or let my rabbit jump over me but I knew I had to do this. So I ignored all the voices telling me to stay in bed where it was warm, where it was safe.
As I was pulling my rucksack on my bag my friend Lottie messaged me on Whatsapp and asked how I was which I thought was coincidence and in the end we arranged to meet for coffee at Starbucks and I got a cappuccino and Lottie got a Caramel Macchiato and we spoke about books and her daughter and how she needed to buy nails for her friends daughters bed and so we went and got them and I bought a portable charger for my phone as I only brought the wire so I can plug my phone into my laptop.
Me and Lottie have also arranged to go and see Michael McIntyre in 2018 on 24th March and I have never been to anything like that so now I’m super excited and I can’t wait. I’m now planning things in advance, soon I will be ringing around for some horse riding stables as I said to Lottie that I need to get back into that as I used to do horse riding to escape the drama at home.
So now I’m sat here hyped up on sugar and I just told a waitress that works here about how it’s the first time in months that I have left the house and done anything like this by myself and she said that I look like I’m doing good and honestly I feel good even though I feel like running and vomiting and just passing out and I said to the waitress that I want to try to make it a regular thing and she said we love regulars and if you need anything just ask as they can bring whatever I need to me and that makes me feel loads better. So maybe I will make this a regular thing without my headphones and just blog here at this coffee shop and drink Coffee and Hot Chocolate.
I managed to get the coat that I wanted and managed not to let my temptation of spending all my money on stupid things, I got slippers with snowmen on them and a cookie monster onesie as they didn’t have my size in the unicorn one. And then around 5pm ish I’m going to see the new Thor movie by myself and maybe I’ll get popcorn but if I do it’ll have to be a medium bag as I tend to eat most of it before the film actually starts which I think everyone does anyway. So right now I’m very proud of myself for not having a melt down if that happened I’d definitely never come out again because I’d be too embarrassed. For me right now this baby steps to my social life that I’m claiming with my hands wide open. I can do this, I’ve just got to not panic and not listen to the stupid thoughts telling me that I’d be better off in my box bedroom. It’s time to live and stop hiding in my 4 walls.
My next plan is to get swimming lessons and ask work to help me work around the swimming lessons then after that it’s horse riding and I’ll ask my friend Hannah to help me with that and see if she’s got any numbers for riding stables and ring some up and ask about their prices for lessons. I just hope I can stick to this. I really do. I will write a blog later about the Thor movie and try not to give some spoilers away.
The Girl In The Shadows