Ray Of Light

(Title Ray of Light came from Madonna as I love the song Ray of Light)

It’s been a while since I last posted something so I have a lot to talk about.. From a date to work and live streaming on Mixer and a new BPD appointment 🙂

So I had a date on the 3rd of December with a guy even though I mainly date women so anyway the start of it was okay we met in front of a statue of a lion and he was way taller than me. In fact he was 6’2 and you guys know that I’m 5’3 right, so I didn’t have a problem with the height difference to start off  with. We did a Howitz escape room which was hilarious and super scary. I swore a lot and did some funny poses when there was some loud bangs, we didn’t finish it though as we took too long to find the clues to get out and then we went for dinner which was really nice and that’s when for me it started to go bad.

I’m very straight up about myself and my issues such as BPD, Depression etc you get the picture.. at one point we was talking about my weight and he asked if I had any baggy clothing from when I was bigger and I immediately said I wasn’t that big.. I obviously brushed it off but it sounded like I must have been a fat kid.. Then we went for a drink and normally I don’t drink and I thought it would be a single glass each but I was highly mistake because he came back with a jug full of Red Vodka, rum, Whiskey and Coke.. I drank that with him but felt a little sick afterwards as it was quite sweet and he said he was going to get another one but I said that I’d had enough to which he said it wasn’t a question and then I started to hate the height difference because he patted my head several times and I hate that..

it was really late when I went to see how long my bus would be and I think it was around 11:26pm that my bus was but I ended up missing that one and had to get the later one and he stayed with me and said he wanted to see me again and I just sort of said “Mmhmm.” Because I don’t exactly how to turn someone down politely as I’m not good at wording things. When my bus did arrive we both stood up and I said “I don’t know how these things normally go so I’ll just hug you.” He kissed me but I felt super embarrassed because I had to tip toe to him and then he bent down to me and I don’t like kissing on the first date because it’s just a tad too personal for me.. But I went with it and then got on my bus home.. It was around midnight when I got home.

I had some help to word how I turned him down and we both agreed that we probably wouldn’t work because we had moments where we were both silent and I thanked him for paying for the date and that I was sorry. And then he messaged me the other day and apologized and said that he was putting on a dominant alpha male act as he was trying to impress me. What I don’t understand is I was myself with him so why couldn’t he just be himself around me?

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Now with work, I have been off for about a week and yesterday was my first day back and Harry aka my rabbit is back in the garden and we bring him in during the day until 7/8pm at night and he runs around in the house and eats his veggies for breakfast.  I barely had woken up and when I did I couldn’t believe how snowy it was, everything was covered. I love and hate snow because after a day it all turns to ice and I hate the idea of falling over in it.

snowy

 

This is my garden and on the left is Harry’s hutch ^ it looks pretty but to me it’s hell. Work wasn’t too bad except I didn’t get a break but I’m okay with that. But for a first day back and I have to walk in the snow isn’t good either. Maybe I’ll make a snowman 😉 and I definitely want to get some photos of Harry in the snow.

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Live Streaming!! I Live stream me gaming from my Xbox on Mixer and I have 171 followers at the moment and if you ever wanted to come and watch then go to http://www.mixer.com/USSVoyager34813

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Now the BPD appointment, the appointment is for MBT therapy which is a specific type of psychodynamically-oriented psychotherapy. I think for now it’s just to see how I’m doing because the person I’ll be seeing on Tuesday knows I’m on the waiting list so I’ll know more on Tuesday. But I’m also still feeling good, I’ve not felt depressed in such a long time and normally this doesn’t happen to me.. I’m just waiting for something to go wrong so I can tell myself “I told you so.” Still not overdosed or self-harmed and I’m quite pleased with myself.

Though with my mom is a whole new story, we keep arguing and she’s made me angry a few times by doing stupid things.. I wrote her a christmas & Birthday list for ideas for what to get me and she’d seen some of them from a photo that I sent to my friend Megan..When I gave my mom the list she said I haven’t seen it yet so I shouted BUT ITS RIGHT THERE and she repeated herself with the same thing over and over so I got the list and tore it into pieces and said FUCK YOU, DON’T GET ME ANYTHING THEN..Then a few days later she told me she’d read some of it even though I ripped it up.. She really annoys me and when I’m around her I can’t keep my calm.. How do any of you lot do this if you have mothers like mine? It’s just so exhausting.. And I’ll be 24 on January 7th.. I’m getting old!!! 😦

I hate Christmas because for me it’s the same every year, wake up and unwrap the presents and go back to bed and then wait for dinner.. That’s Christmas for us and we don’t even have a tree up this year the only good thing is that I have Harry to wake up to and I know he hates being picked up but I want to get him some toys for christmas and wrap them up and watch him open them even though he probably won’t give a shit and he’ll just want to eat the wrapping paper. But hey Harry is my baby, he’s like my furry child. lol. Harry

Also a new thing I want to brag about too is that I finally sent all my Christmas presents to Megan, Kealy & Garrett. I also sent Garrett a Gizmo and wrote it to “Ensign Harry Kim” Because I thought it would make him laugh and it did. I was glad that he liked it and I’m still waiting for their other presents to be delivered to them as they’re still on their way to them. It makes me happy to make someone else happy and that’s one thing I live for.

What is everyone doing for Christmas? And if you have any ideas for me please send them my way! ❤

Love From

The Girl In The Shadows

 

 

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