I haven’t written in a while so yet again I have a lot of catching up to do and I have several things that I need to get off my chest. You all know that I blog when something has upset me or If I’m stressed or even anxious about something and this is one of those times.
First of I’ll speak of something good and then I’ll get to the tough subject. Well me and my mom have swapped bedrooms so it’s been pretty hectic around the house because we have been moving things and getting laminate floor down for my old room which my mom is now in. My new bedroom is bigger and I have more space than I can handle, I love my new room because I can finally sit and want to blog rather than be a tired mess and say I’ll do it another day and then I never post anything.
Eventually my new bedroom will be painted a wild orchid purple and I’ll have one wall with purple rose wallpaper and they’re all different shades of purple and it’s beautiful.. I’ll also have the same laminate flooring that my mom has but I have to wait as it’s £22.96 per box and I need 20.. so it’s £459.20 for me.. I have to say up if I’m going to make this room my safe haven. I’m excited about my room though because I no longer have to think about all the bad stuff that I did in my old room which is a breath of fresh air for me.
Okay so now for the crappy thing that I wish I didn’t have to talk about but sadly my head is all messed up right now and I have no other way to vent even though I have spoken to a few friends and they have helped me in many ways possible.
So me and my on/off boyfriend have been having some issues. He told me to not slam the car door and to treat it like glass and I didn’t even slam the door whatsoever as he parked on a curb so the door was heavy. He also whispered to my mom that I did slam the door. The other time it was when I had my cat in the garden for the first time and she was calm for about 2 seconds. He left the door open and she tried crawling indoors really crazy and I thought she’d get off her harness and run away. But she didn’t.
I shouted at him and completely lost it with him, I stood in silence for a few minutes and then locked myself outside so no one could get to me so I could calm down. We went to McDonald’s and on the way back he told me that he wanted to get in his car and drive away. This was when I was calm and it felt like nothing had happened but the last time we was in his old car I did dissociate and all I remember was screaming and stamping my feet and hearing the words “I’ll turn this car around and go home.”
But this time it was different, he said that he always upsets me and that he’ll get his DVDs and leave me alone like pretty much felt like he was dumping me so I asked for us to have a break from one another. I didn’t know what to do because I love him but I just kept thinking I can’t do this anymore. He also got angry with me over a predictive text and I didn’t even send it. It was “Ok, Yeah No.” I thought it was funny because I said it proved how sassy I can be and I said in a party chat that it would be rude if I sent it to my on/off boyfriend and he then left and took it out on me but it was a joke aimed at me not him.
And yesterday was just a nightmare. When we first got together I asked him to do some research on BPD and if he didn’t understand something to just ask. I sent him links, recommend books for him to read and even posted in some BPD groups asking for people’s advice on the best way to help him. He’s never brought it up in a conversation but asked questions and that’s it. We’ve been together for about 3 months maybe more and so today I asked if he’d done any research because I keep thinking that he hasn’t and I keep telling myself that I’ll ask him another day or he’s probably done some. He’s never spoke about it to me and he told me on the phone that he knew about the outbursts, loss of reality and fear of abandonment etc but he knew all of this after our first argument and never said a word. Nothing. He also said he didn’t understand somethings about BPD but still didn’t come to me instead he went to someone else who had BPD who doesn’t even know me might I add and he listened to them. So I lost it and I’ve been crying all night because I have been open with him about everything that has ever happened in my life and BPD as much as I hate it, it’s a big part of my life and I always wanted to sit down and actually talk about it with him or even look at methods to help us or read up on it together but in all of the 3 months that we’ve been on and off together he never mentioned anything to me until now because he said he was too afraid of upsetting me or making me annoyed and he didn’t want to make himself look like an idiot so he hid it from me. I don’t think I can ever trust this person or even be with this person. I’m just so hurt.
And right now may be the last time we ever see each other and I’m so anxious, I feel like I could jump right out of my skin. I love this person but I can’t do this anymore so right now he’ll be coming to collect his DVDS and then after that I’m not sure what’ll happen but all I know is that we will never be getting back together because I don’t think I could mentally do it. I have been open with this person from word go and it hurts me to know that he couldn’t come and talk to me about my own disorder because he was afraid to upset me or annoy me.. This is why I will never mention my Borderline Personality Disorder to anyone ever again unless I seriously need to. I feel like I am in a swirling nightmare.. When do I get to wake up from this? Just tell me when.
Love FromThe Girl In The Shadows