First of, I just wanted to say that I haven’t seen my Nana since sometime last year far as I can remember so seeing her was a somewhat BIG deal.
I was out buying a costume for Sheffield Horror Con which is on 19th May and I’m somewhat looking forwards to it but if you’ve followed me this far you’ll know of my distaste for big crowds. Anyway, I bumped into my Nana and I asked her how she was y’know just the simple stuff. I asked to buy her some tea, so we went to a Cafe and we spoke about my granddad and my mom and a little about me.
I have missed my Nana but when it comes to my Nana it’s all one-sided. If you want contact it’s you who has to do it, if you want to see your Nana you have to do it. My Nana is not one of these people who will ask to see you or ask to have dinner with you because you’re expected to do all of that.
Me and my Nana could go without speaking for months even years and I got fed up of trying to make contact when it would be all one sided so seeing her this time brought a lot of those memories back. I did ask about my Granddad and she told me that she was out buying him some new boxers as the other ones he had made him uncomfortable so I told her about the ones that I get from H&M which are way comfortable and they’re pretty cool! I love mens boxers like they’re the shit! They’re brilliant.
I asked how my aunt’s were and she said that they were fine and she sees them now and again when they come up. Now I’ve never had a good relationship with my aunts or my uncles because when they stopped talking to my mom, they stopped talking to me altogether. Both of my aunts have lost their children as they were taken off them so I ended up being the only grandchild that my Nana has that hasn’t been taken into care.
My aunts have taken drugs before. One of my aunts threw me onto a fireplace as a child and fractured my chin and blamed it on an epileptic fit but I remembered the whole thing but my mom never believed me. My other aunt had her children taken off her because of an abusive relationship and she does see her children now and again far as I’m aware. I have seen one of my cousins but I was not allowed to speak to her so I just watched from a distance and I’ve seen photos of her all grown up and she’s beautiful but probably doesn’t even know that I exist.
The only cousin that I have had some contact with is absolutely vile, she has been banned from having children for 10 years due to neglect as she left the baby in dirty nappy’s and merged 3 bottles of milk into 1 and the milk had gone off. She was more bothered about her phone than the baby. And she got pregnant by prostitution and has apparently drugged her friend using Morphine.
So bumping into my Nana has brought up more bad memories than good, my family is a mess and it’s also the reason I changed my name. If I could change the way I looked say surgery I’d do it in a heartbeat.
I did tell my Nana that I have officially been off medication for 1 year and that I’m no longer depressed and I will be writing about my Mental Health problems on another blog for Mental Health Awareness. She was really happy that I’m no longer depressed because Depression has affected my life long enough.
I remember when I told my Nana via text that I was in hospital due to an attempt to end my life, I had been so bored in hospital dwelling on what I did and she made me smile for the first time in a long time. I remember her bringing me a drink and a word puzzle. She was fighting back tears, and in that moment I felt safe. She gave me a distraction from my dwelling and over-thinking. I was 17 when I tried to kill myself.
I told my mom the next day that my Nana had come to visit me and she got so angry and shouted at a nurse that my Nana was to never visit me in hospital, my mom was so disgusted with me that I had allowed her to see me. My Nana was my best-friend before I knew of the family secret which partly landed me in that hospital bed. I told a nurse whilst mid tears that I had only wanted to see my Nana because the only person visiting me was my mom who was not supportive as she told me I had tried to kill myself for attention. So my Nana never came up to see me again.
Some days I wish I could turn back time so I could have the memories of cuddling my Nana and having her tell me that she loves me or kiss me on my head. She was the only one in my family to ever hug me or kiss me or tell me that she loved me. Then it all changed and I lost my best-friend. Part of me wishes I could have that all again but my family is too messed up for me and nothing will ever change that no matter how much I wish or think It could be different if I did this or if I did that.
I told my Nana about my boyfriend and she said “So you’re not dating girls now?” and I said no. I had never expected to find someone like James, I was coming out of a mental break down when I met him and I didn’t think I’d meet him in person because we met online and he only had one photo of himself which was super dorky and it was kinda cute. But instead we ended up talking for ages but I was more scared of being with any man due to my past.
James is the first person to make me smile in such a long time, my favourite part is when he lays on my chest just so he can hear my heartbeat or when we lay together and watch horror films or when we hold hands wherever we go. I lost a best-friend and gained a new one, we have our moments and then we go “Are we done yet?” and then just go back to doing what we do. Being with James is still new to me, I opened up to him about everything, everything that I have ever been through. Some day’s are hard days as we end up being so talked out that we don’t know what to say to one another which can be difficult for the both of us. But he is my world and I want to one day introduce him to my Nana..
My Nana also told me what my dad’s door number is as I have never seen him. I have spoken to him once and it didn’t go too well as he was supposed to call me back but never did and I said my mom was right about you but I didn’t know both sides of the story because I’ve heard from my aunts that my mom used to lock my dad in the house and go sleep around with other men and my mom told me that my dad wanted to live with my mom but not marry her and that he wanted her to abort me. So I don’t know the truth and it would be good to hear it from the horse’s mouth but I don’t think I ever will. My Nana also did say that I was 2 minute wonder baby which means I wasn’t really thought of so I’m kinda a mistake, maybe my mom should have aborted me.
So just bumping into my Nana caused all these memories to resurface and I didn’t really think about it until now but I had the urge to want to write and get it off my chest even though writing this blog has made my head hurt.
As they say: ‘You can choose your friends, but you can’t choose your family.”
Also here’s a photo of me and my Nana from yesterday.
The Girl In The Shadows