Square One

Yesterday’s blog was hard for me to write and this one is even harder.

My boyfriend James, dumped me last night with some poor excuse. He said that we were clashing and he didn’t want to do the love/hate part anymore which is because of my BPD which I have no control of. I have no control of my emotions or how I talk to people or how I say things and for example I come across as rude which I never know that I’m doing.

I was so stressed yesterday, it was way too hot and my room was such a mess, James said what felt to me like a lecture to clean my bedroom as his words were oh my god and telling me how there was rubbish and clothes and plates everywhere. I have been so depressed that I have not had the energy or motivation to want to clean up my bedroom and yes I know I have 2 cats and they can’t live in a mess.

He said that he felt down and that maybe this was him over-thinking or pushing me away but he said he couldn’t do it anymore, he couldn’t be with me anymore. He couldn’t come out and say “I don’t want to be with you anymore” instead when I asked if he wanted to be with me all I got was “I wanted to” then I asked him what he wanted and he didn’t know.

Then we sat outside and spoke whilst I was still in shock, I did not expect this as I celebrated his birthday with him which was a great day, then we slept together and I tried something new with him and I enjoyed that. We spent a whole day with his friend Dave shopping, James was buying stuff with his birthday money and Dave brought some stuff too, I didn’t because I didn’t have any money. It was on that day that James brought me a baymax because he caught me looking at it and surprised me with it when me and Dave were in Mankind. I held his hand all day and then all 3 of us went to the park for a picnic and then to my house and watched some films and I convinced James to stay over so we could have some alone time and then we slept together.

Then I had a few rough days, I guess I was snapping at him and other people because I was stressed and I felt depressed, I didn’t tell him or anyone how I felt because it didn’t matter. So whilst we were in the garden talking I still needed to know why this was happening and I guess I’ll always blame myself because of my BPD and my erratic behaviour that changes like crazy. I told him that if this was it, I’d have nothing to do with him because it hurt too much. He just kept saying sorry and I just sat in silence because I didn’t know what to do or say.

He suggested a cup of tea, like that would take the edge off it all, he tried to talk to me about things to distract me but I sat in silence barely speaking. He walked towards and stood behind me, he rubbed his hands on my shoulders and said sorry again. Then we went upstairs to bed and I got into my pjs and he sat on my computer chair and told me he didn’t think sleep would come for him and wanted to go to McDonald’s as he ate when he was sad. So we both got dressed and went together, I didn’t have to but I wanted to because he would have gone home and that would be it.

I tried to not cry, I tried to cut everything off so I wouldn’t feel anything, he asked me what I wanted and I said I didn’t want anything because I felt like I could be sick at any moment so I sat down and stared into space, I did glance at him because I knew this was it. He came back with two crunch flurry ice creams but I didn’t want mine, I couldn’t eat it. I took one mouthful and that was it and I tried to hold myself together. He kept on saying my name and asking if I was okay, and asking if I would keep in contact with him as he cares about me and wants to make sure I’m okay.

I just wanted to know why, why now? He repeated that he thinks he’s not good for me and that he upsets me and he thinks he’s not good enough which is so wrong but I didn’t say anything. He suggested we take a drive, anywhere though he didn’t know where he was driving and I was still silent, he asked me to talk to him and I told him I don’t know what to say to you, he said something about fixing and I said this can’t be fixed, it’s too late. My head was telling me “Told ya this would happen”

When I say my head it’s my own voice attacking me, it’s the over-thinking part of me. We drove around until almost 1 am, he took me home and he gave me my CD back that was in his car, then we stood in the kitchen and I had locked the door because I thought we could just both go to bed and have one last night, one last cuddle. That’s all I wanted. But instead I tried to convince him to stay because it was late and I always worried about him driving late. I even said he could sleep on the sofa but he wouldn’t have it.

I unlocked the door and just stood there and watched him say sorry over and over. I told him to get out, I had heard enough and I was hurting, as he was walking towards his car I went to close the door but I re-opened it and looked at him and said “I love you.” he didn’t hear me the first time so he came back towards the door and I told him that I loved him and then he said “I loved you too” which he doesn’t love me anymore and we had that conversation again and he was saying he wasn’t right for me and that we wasn’t working and then he left. he left my life-like everyone else because everyone always leaves me.

I locked the door and went to bed, I posted a status on FB saying “Once again, I’m all alone.” I got undressed and cried myself to sleep. This morning all I have done is cry and cry and cry. I wanted to smash everything in my bedroom so I threw a glass bottle against my draws thinking it would smash because I wanted to cut my arms to feel something other than this. It didn’t smash and then I was gonna throw it over the balcony but I couldn’t do it.

The person I loved the most, the person who I wanted to get house with and get married and maybe have kids with someday has just walked out my life with a poor excuse. I love him so much, it hurts so much to know that someone who I love doesn’t love me back anymore. I clearly made him so miserable being with me and that makes me an awful person.

from the 22nd July to the 26th July were my happiest moments with him, and then he sprung this on me which I had no idea about. I told him he was still in the mindset of breaking up with me and he said he wasn’t and that I was to put that out my head yet he broke up with me anyway.

I let my guard down with this man, I told him everything because I loved him. I loved  him so much and I can’t see to type because I’m crying whilst typing. Being with James was like being with my first love all over again and I guess this is why it hurts so much. If I wasn’t crazy or had BPD or tried to kill myself things might have been different. He even said he was scared about breaking up with me again incase I did kill myself.

I’m just mentally so fucked up that no one wants me, I push everyone away and they always leave. If I could self-harm with anything I would but I can’t. I just want this pain to go away. Yet again I’m back to square one.

I love you James, I guess I always will even though you don’t love me.

The Girl In The Shadows

2 thoughts on “Square One

  1. Hi Tris.

    Life is always about up and down. It was very brave of you to write about your struggle.

    Depression is one of those things only people who have gone through it get it. I can understand James wanting to step back but it has nothing to do with him not caring about you or wanting you. He just may not understand you.

    You matter, people care about you never think that people don’t.

    Your mum seems like s Cun^^^T sorry for the rudeness but she is.

    always here if you need a hug,

    Liked by 1 person

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