The Words

I’m sorry that I didn’t post for such a long time. I’ve had a few crazy weeks and it’s only just starting to get better. So I guess I’m gonna have to tell you everything that happened after my breakup and I’m now back with my boyfriend.

So for almost 3 weeks I was a huge mess, like I was depressed and feeling very low and it was such a bad few weeks for me. I ended up self-harming and scarred my arm but at the time I wanted to feel something else rather than the pain from my break up. It was the most difficult thing I have been through but we have broken up many times and we normally fix things and get back together. There’s just something about him that I can’t really explain I guess.

For awhile he kept saying that he just wanted to be friends but he’d bring it up so many times that we were just friends and it just made things more difficult for me and I tried to accept what was happening but some days were harder than most. We did talk about our relationship and what went wrong and really had a good talk and I also had a panic attack in his car when he was dropping me off last from hanging out with our friends. I was so scared of what I wanted to say to him because I knew what he would say to me, I almost puked in his car so he had to pull over so I could try to calm myself and catch my breath.

I pretty much told him I loved him and held his hand whilst we sat outside my house in his car, he was crying and I wiped his tears and told him not to cry. It felt like he was giving up on everything that we was but I knew why we broke up but I still could not wrap my head around it and so I would try and try and It would just make me feel worse.

It got better though, we hung out on a Saturday and spent the entire day together and we kinda re-connected and we both had a lot of fun. He said it reminded him of how we used to be, always laughing and having fun because that’s what we always did unless we argued over something stupid because I sometimes can get angry over the tiniest of things.

It was like a few days maybe even a week, we were playing Ghost Recon Wildlands on PS4 and we were chatting and laughing because I kept running him over and it was funny. We ended up talking about us again and he said that he wanted to be more than friends with me again which left me confused because all I had heard for weeks and weeks was “we are just friends, I never said getting back together was definite.” So I was very confused but we have been taking it slow and so far it’s been good, we’ve watched films and played games on the PS4 and gone out for dinner.

Moving on from my relationship 😛

I’ve finally also made a dentist appointment because I have a rotting tooth and my dentist said that he’s gonna try and fill it but I may need root canal or even may need to have the tooth removed but he wants to try and save my tooth and told me to use an electric toothbrush so I’m hoping to get my teeth stronger so I can maybe have a brace again too and have them whitened. I’m also working on getting my passport renewed so I can try and get a new job and save money to move out or go on holiday. I want to have more freedom but I can’t whilst I still live with my mom who may as well just be a roomate. So I’m trying to sort myself out, I also still need to book a doctors appointment as I’ve been told I need to get some medication for my instability of mood and anxiety which scares me more because I’m different on medication.

ALSO OITNB IS OUT AND I LOVE IT! Red is still my No.1, I love her 😀

So my few weeks have been crazy but they’re slowly picking up and I’m hoping I’ll have the passport done soon and have a new job because my job that I have now is just making me miserable.

The Girl In The Shadows

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