I haven’t written on here in such a long time, things have been so busy with work and I feel like all I have done is work, eat and sleep. My job is becoming unbearable and I really don’t want to work there anymore, don’t get me wrong retail isn’t all that bad all the time but the customers can be entertaining if I can say that. The hours are alright but the pay isn’t good enough for me. In my old job I got roughly around £500-£1,000 but that’s if I really did some crazy hours and that was monthly pay but now I get like £100-£200 if I’m lucky. It pays the bills and whatever is left is mine but I never save any of it because I like to spend all my money and the last time I actually managed to save £49 until I had to use it for my boyfriends birthday because I didn’t get paid from work as I had time off so I was quite disappointed.
Mental health isn’t so bad, I still haven’t gone to my doctors for medication because I’m kinda nervous maybe even scared of going back on medication. But the good thing is I’m starting my MBTI therapy in September or even the end of it. I finally have more therapy for BPD even though I haven’t been formally diagnosed yet and it feels like I will never be diagnosed.
I finally had my psychological therapy only to be disappointed. Twice they made me change the date for the appointment so when I finally had it they said they can’t help me as I don’t suit their programme as I’m waiting to be diagnosed with BPD. I wish I knew that from the start because then I wouldn’t have tried to get that type of help. So now I’m just relying on the BPD therapy yet again. Mental Health must be a joke, I’m not sick enough for a programme, the only time I ever seem to get any help or close to any help is when I’ve overdosed myself. Like I saw someone from adult Mental Health for all of 10 minutes and because I missed my appointment with them they said that they’d pull me out of the sessions unless I arranged the appointment again which I did and I left my name and number and was told that they’d call me back which they never did and when that happens you have to refer yourself which is just annoying. It’s the same people who told my doctor no when they tried to refer me back to them again and was told I had to get better first like wtf are you kidding me. Our mental health system is a god damn joke.
I’m fed up of being angry over little things that are nothing, I’m fed up of feeling alone when I’m on my own or when my partner goes home. I’m fed up with feeling everything at once and then nothing at all. I’m fed up of watching people be happy but not feel it, and when I say that I mean I can be happy just not actually feel happy. I’m happy when I’m not on my own, I’m happy when I’m playing with my cats or listening to music but I can never feel happy especially when all my emotions are just not working. I feel tired all the time, it’s so much easier pretending to be okay because when you’re depressed and your emotions or the lack of emotions are very draining and make me snap at people or get angry over little things.
It’s hard to think positive when I’m filled with such negative thoughts or when I over-think. It’s easier talking to someone about my problems when you don’t really know the person. I’m not good with words vocally so I struggle to say what I mean unless I type out how I feel or how a situation makes me feel. Some days I feel like I’m a freak, I have all these issues and I honestly think who the hell would want me. I feel like I’m a burden to people sometimes because of my mental health problems. I don’t even know what my boyfriend sees in me, all I see is my mental health and the BPD. I feel crazy sometimes especially when I sit and talk to myself which I’m trying to stop doing and I don’t know how even though I do it to calm myself if I can even say that. I always wonder where I’d be if I never overdosed when I was 17. But I know I can’t keep asking about the what ifs because it’s over and done with. I made those choices and now I have to live with them. .
I’m scared of the possibility of having children because of the person I am, what if I lose my temper and dissociate or if I can’t cope with constant screaming. I’m honestly petrified but at the same time It makes me happy because I like babies, I like holding them and just being around them but I don’t want to be like my aunts who have all lost their children because they were in abusive relationships or neglected their kids. I don’t want to be like my mother who had her two sons taken away from her because of her bad choices. I want something badly but I’m also scared of it. I’m just scared of having people coming to take my kid away. But I do not want to have any kids until my mental health is under control because my mental health scares me more than anything else.
Alright so moving on from the depressive moment there, I’m FINALLY going to meet Kate Mulgrew who played Captain Kathryn Janeway from Star Trek: Voyager and Galina Red Reznikov from Orange is The New Black. Kate has been my idol since I was 11, when I as going through abuse I’d watch ST Voyager, when I was being bullied I’d watch ST Voyager. Voyager made me feel better when I was going through those tough times and Janeway taught me that it was okay to not be okay, Kate has made me laugh and cry and to meet her would mean everything as the first time I ever attempted suicide I watched Voyager whilst I was in a mental hospital and it got me through it, no matter how bad things got I could always rely on Voyager and Janeway to make me feel better.
I will be writing Kate a letter as I don’t think I’d be able to say all the things I want to due to time but I will be having a photo with her and I’m going to ask her to sign her book for me once I buy a new copy as silly me ordered it in large print and I can read perfectly lol. I’m also having photos with Martha Hackett who played Seska, Aron Eisenberg who played Nog in Deep Space Nine, Jeri Ryan who played Seven of Nine and a bunch of other people. I think it’ll be around 8 people and I’ll be able to see my friends who live in different countries for a day. So I’m gonna try to think positive until 20th October which is the day I will meet Kate. Though I have a major crush on her which is going to make me feel even more nervous as I have never actually met one of my idols before. Okay I have, I met Harry Kim who is like my family.
Just gotta get through these few weeks and hope they get better.
The Girl In The Shadows