I’ve been really debating writing as I have wanted to write and then I haven’t and made excuses not to write. I miss writing but it’s then remembering to write which I’m not good at doing. So I’m going to try to remember to write, it’s something that I love doing so I’m going to try to remember to write about things that are going on in my life.
So on June 9th my mental health had dropped quite badly to the point where I had overdosed but I had a bad allergic reaction to the pills that I had taken, I took 549mg of Co-Codamol which made me itch all over and then I couldn’t breathe. I said I’d never do that again and I failed. I had an argument with my boyfriend and he panicked and said that maybe we were better off as friends and that was whilst I was overdosing and I had never felt so alone up until that point.
When the paramedics arrived, my mother had no idea what was going on and it was all happening so fast, I was telling them that I was fed up with my life, my job and people just leaving my life. I was depressed and I felt very alone. I knew that it would happen again and no matter how hard I fought it I knew it was coming. So whilst I was talking to the paramedics I was scratching all over because I was very itchy which is unlike me, I ended up almost cutting my stomach and my back with my nails due to being so itchy.
I needed the toilet so I did that then had one of the paramedics help me walk downstairs as I felt very faint and as we got outside I started to struggle to breathe and that made me panic more and I remember gasping for air and it was horrible. It felt like someone having their hands around my throat. I had to have a mask put on so I could breathe and then they gave me something for the itching. My boyfriend had just missed us by a few seconds as the ambulance was leaving my house and all of a sudden I didn’t feel so good, and I told one of the paramedics that I didn’t feel good but he couldn’t hear me so I told him again but the words didn’t come out right and it happened so fast and I had sick all over myself and the floor and I just cried and kept saying sorry over and over again and that I was sorry for wasting their time to which they said I wasn’t.
My clothes were soaked, from shirt to my trousers to my underwear and it all needed throwing away. I overheard that I was near cardiac so I assumed that my heart was going so crazy that I could have maybe gone into cardiac arrest or something and I had people staring at me whilst they were talking about something to do with Cardiac.. My boyfriend was asking me where I was so I asked a nurse to bring him to me, I was so scared that he’d hate me as much as I hated myself at that moment. I will never forget the look on his face when he saw me and that broke me, I have never allowed anyone to see that side of me ever and I hate myself for it.
I kept telling him I was sorry, I felt ashamed that he was seeing me like that and I think it would be the same if any of my friends saw me like that. We spoke about things that we said to one another, and he told me that he blamed himself for what I did which it is not his fault and I try still tell him that to this day. He asked me why I did it, and I struggled to find my words. I was so scared that he hated me and just didn’t want me anymore. I felt like I had dissociated whilst I was overdosing because I knew what I was doing but i felt like I wasn’t in control.
I had a heart scan and then I was given a hospital gown and then moved to another side of A%E and my boyfriend got me some water and I had to have a sick bowl because I couldn’t keep anything down whatsoever. I was moved to a cubicle and had some blood taken, I hate needles so my boyfriend tried to make me laugh to think about it and after that I didn’t feel so good and I sat up and I felt really hot and then I was sick everywhere and I felt so low to the point I just cried, I felt so embarrassed that someone who was better than me saw me this way. I felt like why would this person want me? I’m the sick girl and I’ll always will be which made me feel so much worse about myself.
I got moved to the B floor and I was still being sick and they gave me fluids to wash everything out of my system and after that I was could not stop being sick, I couldn’t eat anything without bringing it back up. I spoke a doctor and explained to him what happened, that I believed that I had dissociated whilst overdosing and that I felt like I wasn’t in control of myself. The doctor told me that my liver was 250 over the normal limit so if I was 80/90 years old it was 3 times over what it should be and that I had done some serious damage to myself and he suggested that I have a treatment for liver failure.
It was a shock I’ll admit that, I sat there for a few minutes after the doctor left and I remember my boyfriend saying my name and I couldn’t look at him, I just sat there and cried and I was in disbelief that I had done that to myself. I also had a woman come and talk to me about liver failure and the effects of it. I had emotionally cut myself at this point from the news I got from the doctor. She explained that you can die from liver failure and that it’s awful. But I said to her that as much as that should scare me it doesn’t and that was because I had accepted what happened and tried to not accept what this woman was telling me.
I was in hospital overnight and I was still being sick so I did eventually have an anti-sickness drug and the NAC treatment which I think is for Liver Failure, later on that night I spoke to my friend Megan and talked to her about it and she told me to go and look and see if my eyes are yellow because apparently that’s what happens when you have liver failure but I guess I got lucky just in time. I remember telling her that I didn’t tell her how I felt because I didn’t want to annoy her as she’s mostly busy with Garrett and work etc, but she said that no matter what I can talk to her and that made me feel better. I did have to throw away all my clothes but my boyfriend bought me some new clothes from home and my mother never came to see me but I went home when my boyfriend got my clothes and I got the okay to go home.
my boyfriend took me home, I was kinda quiet and my head was peaceful and it was nice but I knew it wouldn’t be long until it was noisy again. He stayed with me for a while and we talked and watched a film and it felt good, it was nice. But then my moms friend came around to my house and she knew what I had done and I said I wasn’t going to talk about it with her but then she said she doesn’t care because I’m wasting the NHS time and that if I wanted to die I would have done it properly and that I only overdosed because my boyfriend doesn’t me and that I’m crazy and also if we had sex I’d cry out rape.
My mother never said a word whilst her friend said all of this to me and I did shout back but it got all too much for me and I screamed that I was gonna leave because she said that I should think about my mother and how can I? She’s never supported me she’s never really been a mother to me. I went and sat in the bathroom and was pulling my hair out. my boyfriend had gone home so I rang a friend and spoke to her and gave her my boyfriends number and she rang him and explained and he had just got home when she rang him and told him and he had to put his shoes back on and my friend came to me and I grabbed my shoes and my phone charger and ran out the garden even though my mom was still sat outside. I ran into my friends arms and cried, I pretty much fell into her arms.
I did speak to a mental health person at hospital but I felt like it was pointless, they gave me 10 minutes of their time and that was it. I missed my first appointment with them and I tried to re-arrange it and I gave him my number to call me to re-arrange but it never happened. I wanted to write about it for such a long time and I’ve just tried to deal with it like I deal with everything else.
I celebrated my boyfriends birthday with him and then he broke up with me afterwards for a while and I felt like my head was fucked, and he kept telling me that he didn’t want to be with me and that I shouldn’t wait for him and that he was okay with me if I dated his friend. I gave up fighting for him for awhile and we still hung out with his friends but it was really hard for me. I cried every night and it really hurt me and I felt really alone but I had my friends supporting me. For about 3 weeks all this went off and then when I was playing on my PS4 I spoke to him and he wanted to try to be more than friends again and of course I took him back because I love him and I want to live with him and maybe one day get married and have kids.
So as of right now, we are still together and we are doing good, I’m working on talking to him more openly about my problems or my bad thoughts, but I never want to go through that again so apart of me knows that if it happens again I will be strong. I have wanted to write about this for so long and it pains me to do it now. I just had to write about it so I can move on and forget everything that happened. I will write a few more blogs during the week about other things, good things. I promise.
The Girl In The Shadows