I guess I’ve been wondering what to write seeing as it’s been a long time since I’ve written anything and these past couple of months have been hellish. Me and James are no longer together, and it has really taken its toll on me he’s been struggling with a lot and I tried my best to help him. He told me that he was sorry that he was being distant and that it wasn’t fair on me, well I tried telling him how I was feeling, and it ended up in a big argument and he fell on the floor due to a panic attack and then we went for a drive and he dumped.
He said he needed time to heal and he wanted space, but I kept messaging him 24/7 because I was worried about him, we had been together for 1 year, so I thought we were able to tell each other things but I guess I was wrong. He blocked me on Facebook and told me it was temporary and that it will help me to let go but I kept thinking it will be fine and we will sort it out, but I was wrong. Well I asked my friend to check in with him to make sure he was okay, I stayed in a hotel with my friend Rob who drove 400 miles to come and cheer me up and it was good. I was having bad nightmares that made me have cold sweats and made my body feel like it was on fire and that lasted for a good couple of weeks and it still happens now and again when I overthink.
So, a day after Rob went home my friend told me that James told her to tell me that he never wants to see me again, never wants to talk to me again and that we are never getting back together and to grieve for him like he’s dead. Well It really messed me up, I snapped and smashed a glass and tried slicing my arm with a shard of glass. I wanted the pain to stop, I wanted to stop loving this person and it felt like he ripped my heart out and stamped on it. I don’t know what I did to deserve all this that he has done to me. I only tried to support him, and he showed me that yet again I was wrong because I allowed him to hurt me again. I thought that he was the one that I’d get a house with or get married and have kids, but I guess in the end I will always get hurt no matter what I do.
I’m planning on going to Canada for a year and renting out my friends’ spare room and if I like it there, I might stay as all I ever get here is pain and I’ve had enough of getting hurt. I just want to be happy but clearly that’s never going to happen to me. It’s amazing how someone that you can love can destroy you in a matter of seconds. So, I’m just going to date people and not rush into anything serious for a very long time. I ended up thinking bad stuff like how I would get my revenge on him, I wanted to hurt him like he hurt me, and it scared me to think that I could do anything like that. I hate him for hurting me yet again and ignoring me and refusing to tell me to my face and thanks to him I have lost myself, I don’t know who I am meant to be anymore, and I have never been this lost in my life… I really thought he loved me enough to talk to me about his struggles instead of pushing me away and treating me like trash.
All I have done the past weeks is sleep and watch tv until really late so I’m so tired that I can just sleep, I’ve been crying non stop and the nightmares are slowly calming down but my overthinking is still a pain in the ass because I always ask my self what if I said this or said that etc and it can be frustrating. I’ve also been binge eating and just watching shows every day and hardly ever getting out of bed. My motivation has gone, I just don’t care for anything right now and part of me wishes I could just run away and never come back. I’ve recently finished watching Once Upon a Time and I really love Regina Mills, she’s gorgeous. Watching OUAT has really helped to cheer me up and I haven’t streamed on Mixer for a long time, but I did a stream the other day and ended up crying on camera for about a minute and I just felt awful afterwards but my followers were very supportive of me and helped to cheer me up.
My friend Khad helped me to clean up my arm because after I cut my arm I just got into bed and fell asleep because it made me feel calm, but I know cutting is not the answer and it’s not something that I would normally do. It’s not something I’d ever do because it’s not something that I normally do as those who have been following me will know I tend to overdose which I didn’t do this time. But I have now been focusing on something else, I’ve been continuing to do my bedroom as I’m stripping the wallpaper off so it can be painted and it’ll be purple and pink with lots of purple accessories and I’m looking forward to when it’s all finished and then I can get new furniture and I want to get a chair in my room just for reading and just so I can relax. My room is a BIG mess now because there’s wallpaper all the floor and my books and DVDS are all in bags as I’m throwing out my old shelves so I can buy a new one. Once it’s all done and I have the new furniture I will post photos of my room and how it looks.
So, I’ve been eating a lot of McDonald’s lately and I guess it’s been my comfort food these past few days and I had a breakfast wrap with 2 hash browns so I’m full and feel like a fatty. I’m hoping to get more of the walls done today as I’ve got the window to do and then the left side of the wall, but I’ll be glad when it’s all done though just so I can chill. I’ve been talking to 5 guys maybe more and they’re all lovely and very understanding of my situation and they’ve also been helping me to feel better about myself without even realizing it. I’m also going to Dorset in May as I will be staying with my friend Rob and I’m allowing him to take me on a date and we are going to go to a Zoo and have a spa day and I think it’ll be good for me to get away for awhile and his family have invited me to join them to go to Lanzarote but it’s not promised yet and I still need to go to Ireland to go and see my other friend and stay with her for a week and you never know I might meet an Irishman lol.
I hope everyone has a great weekend ❤
The Girl in The Shadows