Misguided Ghosts

Hello all!

I’m feeling good about writing this blog, I’ve changed so much these couple of weeks. I’ve changed my hair colour which is rather great I must add. I’ve made new friends and reconnected with old friends. I’ve also finally spoken to a doctor about my migraines which have been bothering me for some time considering every time I have a migraine; I’m always being sick except for the one time I had a nosebleed.

I really didn’t want to see my doctor about it because I always make myself out to be some big tough girl who can handle whatever the world throws at her, but I’m not that strong at all. I was scared that these migraines could be something more serious and that’s why I didn’t want to see a doctor because I was scared that I’d need tests or find out I have a tumour or something, when it comes to my mental health I’ll see a doctor but when it comes to my head it’s a whole different story. I know the brain is the biggest part and so I get kind of freaked out if something is wrong with me when it comes to that.

These past few weeks have been hectic and I’m really starting to believe that my mom might have Dementia and I don’t know what I’m going to do if she does because caring for someone else is easier when they’re not family. My mom had been talking to me for about an hour about random stuff when I wasn’t even talking to her, it was like she was there but she wasn’t and it felt like she was looking straight through me and now I’m starting to think that maybe she really is sick and how long has she been sick. I remember when she came home from the hospital because she wasn’t taking her medication and I had to shout at her to shower and then I had to observe her taking her medication and I allowed her to take all her anger out on me when she said it was all my fault that she had done this like I genuinely made her not take her medication or force her to not shower.

My mom has always had this hold over me and has always been able to make anything I do my fault and sometimes it stresses me out and she doesn’t think of that. My mom has made so many of my friends and exs hate her because she always manages to ruin important relationships in my life including my relationship with her which is almost non-existent… We have never had a good relationship because she has never acknowledged the pain, she caused me when I was younger and the abuse, she allowed to happen to me when I was 8. I know I have moved on from what happened to me but part of me needs to be acknowledged that what she did was wrong and that she should apologise or at least try and build a relationship with me which I know will never happen so I’m now worried about her being sick, not taking her medication let alone showering or just looking after herself because there’s going to be a day when I leave home I don’t look back and I’m hoping that day comes soon because I cannot wait any longer.

But in other news, I have two job interviews coming up on Thursday and Friday and I’m hoping they will go well and I will choose one which will be more suitable for me. I haven’t worked since the last job that I had for three weeks which felt more like a joke. My life has been so many ups and downs since not working for a long time, I’ve really missed going to work and I want to get back into work and settle down whether that be here or in another country. I want to get back into work and start saving up even though I am quite bad with saving but I’ve been using something called Plum and I forgot that it saves my money and ended up with £40 saved that I didn’t know about and managed to pay half my phone bill with as this months bills have been hard to pay for since I’ve had to cancel my mom’s friend who’s been cooking for me just so my mom can have her £100 rent. So other than that, I have been well. I finally got my youngest cat Gizmo spayed and she really hasn’t changed whatsoever she is still crazy, and she still steals my food and jumps all over the place, but both of my girls go out now. Pitch loves to adventure out past the garden and has already had a fight with another cat called Tink and as also caught attacking her for no reason, but I think Pitch got her own back when Tink tried to come into our garden.

Pitch doesn’t like other cats but she seems a lot happier since she has started going out, she can get really mardy if you don’t open the door for her to go out and she will just cry until you open the door which is kind of funny. She is also super fat now and I mean that in the nicest of ways for a cat, she loves her food, so she is now a little chunky monkey and I love her. My girls have matching collars so now its somewhat hard to tell them apart but it’s not that hard because one is fat, and one is skinny. Gizmo doesn’t like to adventure past the garden like Pitch because she is scared. I tried putting her outside the gate, but she ran straight back in but if I go towards the gate she will follow because she follows me everywhere and that sometimes means the toilet. Yes, I know what you’re thinking, she really has a peeping kitty and that happens all the time, she even gets sassy with me when I tell her to get out. I once had to spray her just to get her to leave. Gizmo is in need to be rehomed though because she really doesn’t get on with Pitch and they have been fighting a lot lately but at night they will sleep next to each other which puzzles me but then again that’s cats for you.

I finally have a new tv and it’s beautiful, I can hear the damn thing now as my old one wasn’t that good anymore and I sold it on Facebook. My new tv is a smart tv and has Netflix on it and it just makes things so much easier and it’s good for gaming too, the graphics are so much better than the old tv. I’ve also been seeing my Nana a lot since I made her and my mom reconnect after 15 years of not speaking, they’re both as stubborn as each other and I think with my Nana back in her life it will do some good. My Nana is the type of person who is all one way though as she will only speak to you if you speak to her. I know she comes to see my mom every Wednesday but sometimes it feels like she doesn’t come to see me even though she says she does. My family has always been difficult especially when I found out that my granddad is a paedophile when I was 17. That was something I had never imagined finding out even at that age.

So that’s how my several weeks have been, it’s been like a never-ending roller coaster and I’m just punching my way through. I’m not letting anything get me down these days, well I’m trying at least. For those who do read this and if you’re feeling depressed you can always email me at thecaptainsreadyroom1@gmail.com or you can contact me via the Facebook page The Captain’s Ready Room which is another place that I blog and support others. Whatever the situation you’re never alone and always remember you can talk to someone ❤

Love From

The Captain

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