How I see Myself
Hello all, apologizes for being so quiet during this Covid-19 Pandemic. My life has once again imploded and I kind of feel slightly lost but I’m working my way through it again. Ever since this Pandemic started and the isolation kicked in I have felt lonely even though I’ve had plenty of people around me and friends to support me but the thing is that what Depression does and I’m tired of it affecting my life and relationships. It’s always hard when you have Depression because not many people understand how Depression can affect people and for me it makes me not want to leave my room let alone my bed because facing the day seems too much sometimes.. And this Pandemic isn’t helping with it either and I know Mental Health is probably a big problem because of it but it doesn’t mean that I’m truly alone and neither are you my dear readers.
To get me through this lockdown I have been binge eating whilst also binge watching a show on Netflix called Gossip Girl, I’m very addicted to it right now and I have to admit that Chuck Bass who’s played by the handsome Ed Westwick is absolutely gorgeous and I really want him to be with Blair which is very complicated and I’m not that keen on Selena or her family except for Dan and his dad Rufus. If I had to choose a favorite character I’d have to chose Chuck because he is just hot. When I first started watching Gossip Girl I found Jenny to be kind of annoying and I didn’t really like her makeup as much but it grew on me and I love Blair Waldorf, she is one feisty bitch.. Though I’d probably enjoy her lifestyle.
Whilst I’m on the topic of this Pandemic, things are starting to re-open and now we can slowly start to see family members.. I want to say that I’m in a good place with my family but most things are all one sided for me especially with my mom.. We have barely spoken since I moved out and I’ll be honest it makes me feel so alone even though my friends have been more of a family to me than my own family. Writing normally helps to clear my mind when I feel things are slowly slipping away from under me, I’ve always wanted a mom to care about me but I have had to realize that I’m not a child anymore and I have to accept that my relationship with my mom will never be how I want it to be. Though living with my friend and her kids is very rewarding as I’m learning things that I should have already known and I enjoy looking after her kids when she’s at work being a care worker.. She has helped me so much since I moved in with her and I couldn’t thank her enough, she helped me to escape from my mom which is a blessing and she has become almost like a sister to me.
Though some days are hard especially when I have moments where I feel low and don’t really want to talk to anyone.. I tend to struggle talking to people about how I feel and I don’t express things in the right way sometimes but I’m only human and things like this will pass which I’m sure many of you whom have read most of my ramblings would understand. I enjoy helping people before helping myself sometimes, I like to make sure everyone else is okay.. I don’t really know how I see myself at the moment but what I do know is that I want to be someone better, someone that I can be proud of and I need to fight my insecurities and all the other crap. Certain people are now back in my life and I care about these certain people but I’m also confused and I partly feel lost within myself due to feeling alone and having dark thoughts which sometimes stop me from sleeping and so I do anything to not sleep.. Hence the binge watching and eating but having said that these certain people have helped me to not feel so alone for awhile but I’m struggling to express my feelings which has always been a problem for me and counselling doesn’t work for me much but writing helps me sometimes.
Apart of me wishes that I had my life together, I want my own house and a car and a partner that I can share it with but for me it feels like I’m running hurdles to just get to it.. My life hasn’t always been easy and I’ve always had to be strong and have my guard up or pretend that I’m okay most times when in reality I’m not but I won’t openly tell anyone that unless I want to but when it comes to writing it’s so much easier. The sense of freedom that it gives me is rewarding even though I have been writing in my diary again but not all the time. What I’m trying to say is, I’m 26 and it’s okay if you don’t have your life together yet, it takes time and you have loads of it. I’ll find myself one day and when that day comes I’ll accept myself for who I am even though most times I feel worthless and alone but I know that I have people who care about me. It’s okay to not be okay and my inbox is open to anyone who needs it. ❤
xoxo The Little Eliza