Life’s Journey in Reverse

Writing normally helps me to clear my head, and I’ve had a lot of crap happen lately that I need to get off my chest and writing has always been that helpful therapy that doesn’t cost half the world. When I thought things were going well and then something just bursts open before you can stop it.. This of course is my mother and how I don’t cope with things as well as I should.

Mom goes to hospital

Many of you who read my blogs will probably know my troubles with my family especially my mom.. I thought things were getting better now I see that it was all a lie and I feel awful about it because I couldn’t see it until it hit me in the face.

My mom has epilepsy and type 2 diabetes and I’ve always looked after her because it was my job and sometimes I feel that it’s still my job to look after my 52 year old mom.. She hates taking her medication which has put her life at risk many times because she doesn’t look after herself but this time was different.. This time, she scared me.

I was selling an old phone of mine and it was at my mom’s house so I called her to tell her that i would be coming to the house to sell my old phone. My mom told me that she got stressed on the phone to a catalogue that she owe’s money to and had fallen in the garden and had an epileptic seizure so I told her to tell me about it when I got to the house. She had hurt her chin and her friend told her to go and lay down which she didn’t, I got a drink from the fridge and we both went and sat in the garden and she told me about what happened..

Whilst we was talking her mouth kept twitching which is a form of epilepsy that happens before a seizure starts but can be stopped if resting.. I asked if she was taking her medication which she told me she was and I started to get worried because the twitching got worse by the minute.. She suddenly got up and was walking mid seizure and she fell face first to the ground in the kitchen and I panicked and called 999. Whilst I was on the phone to them answering questions about my mom I noticed there was loads of blood all over the floor and I panicked more because I wasn’t sure if her glasses had smashed and gone into her face.. I got a kitchen towel and tried putting it on the blood which came from her nose. She had busted her nose and I can’t get that image out of my head, I took a photo of her so she could see what she was doing to herself.. I was told that the ambulance was on their way and to keep my phone on loud in case they called me.. I got her friend to come round and she cleaned up the blood because I couldn’t as I was in shock and had some of my moms blood on my hand.

I checked to see if my mom had been taking her medication and saw that she had missed all of Thursdays and Friday’s medication even when she had been telling us that she had been taking her medication.. My boyfriend came and helped to calm me down alongside my friend Joe who was texting me to try and calm me down because I was panicking and wasn’t really sure what to do.. I felt awful, I blamed myself because I couldn’t stop it and It mentally damaged me and I felt really numb and betrayed.. As a daughter who has looked after my mom since I was a child it’s always mentally draining to see my mom do this to herself again because she does this a lot and I don’t know why. I’ve asked myself if she’s doing it to hurt or kill herself but she says that isn’t doing that.. I’m more worried of finding her dead and I can’t cope with that..

What hurts me the most is she never called me back when she was in hospital and I called the hospital a lot to see how she was and even asked if I could speak to the doctor which didn’t happen and worst part is she never let me know when she got home.. The past few days have been really hard and I’ve kept a lot of stuff to myself and the nightmares don’t get any easier when I dream of my mom laying on that floor covered in blood but in my dreams she’s dead.. One dream that I had was me having a heart attack and dying on the floor.. For the first time in a long time I wanted to hurt myself so I could feel something but I didn’t because my boyfriend called me and I cried it off instead..

I’m in two minds thinking of cutting ties with my mom because I feel like one day I’m gonna find her dead and I don’t want that, I showed her the picture I took of her and she said she didn’t realise she was that bad but she laughs these kind of things off like it’s nothing but it’s so mentally draining when I’m trying to help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves and I can’t do it anymore, I have to lead my own life and I can’t when my mom is doing this to herself and I’m the one who has to pick up all the pieces and pretend that it didn’t happen because she’ll just do it again and again..

You can choose your friends but you can’t choose your family..

xoxo The Little Eliza

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